Reese: I'm thirsty.
Malcolm: Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand.
Reese: Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.

Reese: If the future's gonna be half as bad as Grandpa and I suspect, the only survivors are gonna be mutants, coackroaches, and me. All living underwater.

Reese: Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the News.

Reese: Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend if she would like some more peas?
Dewey: We get it!

Reese: Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend to pass the potatoes? (Cynthia hands Reese a bowl of mashed potatoes) Malcolm, can you thank your girlfriend for me?

Reese: Ooh, Malcolm. Having lunch with your girlfriend?
Malcolm: She's not my girlfriend.
Reese: I don't know. I think I see a spark. (bops Cynthia's nose) Boop!
Cynthia: Please don't do that.
Malcolm (to the camera): Yeah, that'll help.
Reese: Aw, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, maybe, I'll do this.
(Cynthia grabs Reese's arm and twists it, Reese falls on the table)
Cynthia: Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.
Reese (sobbing in pain): My body is composed entirely of snot.
Cynthia (to Malcolm): Anything you'd like to add?
Malcolm: I'm good.
(Cynthia lets go of Reese and he walks off still in pain)

Reese: This isn't fair. Mom should have never taken us to a store that sells candy. She set us up!

Reese: WE OWN YOU ALL! No one is safe. We are the kings of this block. Did you hear me, world? Violence...just...got...a...little...more...RANDOM!

Reese: We've established that, we're just going in circles here!

Reese: You know what nobody's mentioned, is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I gotta tell ya, I'm not impressed.

Rick [to Malcolm]: Remember me? "Moby Rick"? (sarcastically) That was so hilarious.
Malcolm: I never called you Moby Rick. I called you Rickapotamus, although... (Rick punches him)

Robber (cheery): How are you?
Craig: Good.
Robber (smiles): Good. (screams) NOW TELL US THE DAMN COMBINATION!

Spangler (referring to the damage the local girls wrought): I'd say we got off lucky. This happened once before in '72; we had to bulldoze the Ampitheater.

Spangler: Local girls?! There are local girls inside the perimeter?! Have they killed anyone?[...] Do you have any idea what you've done?! Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and co-operation of the local community! The Police Chief and the Mayor both sit on our Board of Governers, the Fire Chief is a regent...and right now, their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts...!
Francis: What are we gonna do, sir?
Spangler: We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.
Joe: But they're destroying the school.
Spangler: Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.
Francis: Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.

Stevie [to Reese]: Crying on command got me a cable modem!