Lois:[after realising that Malcolm and Reese lied to them] Hal, get my bra!

Lois:[at Mrs.Griffin's Doorstep] Malcolm get your things, we're going home. I'm so sorry for all of this.
Mrs.Griffin: Sorry for what?
Lois: My son stole your car and was out joyriding in it.
Mrs.Griffin: Joyriding?! It was no joyride for me. I was passed out in the back seat.
Lois: What?!
Mrs.Griffin: I made a mistake with my medication and he drove me to the hospital.

Malcolm: So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?
Lois: That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Before... gravity?

Malcolm (sees Reese): What are doing here?
Reese: I figured out your scam. As it turns out, crazy runs in the family.
Malcolm: Reese, you don't know what your doing. You're gonna ruin everything.
Reese: Relax. I got it covered.
Mrs. Gilbert: I'm ready to see you now, Reese.
Reese (in a gravelly voice): Reese, isn't here right now. This is Davey.

Malcolm (sees the tape): Oh, my God! I can't believe it. Mom's... wrong.

Malcolm (to the camera): I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when I start ballet next semester.

Malcolm (to the camera): Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it would've been only a matter of time anyway.

Malcolm (to the camera): When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now!

Malcolm Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.
[flashback]
Baby-sitter A: [cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy-- [screams as her finger is bitten]
Baby-sitter B: I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]
Baby-sitter C: [locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese] You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!
[back to the present]
Malcolm: I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

Malcolm [to Dewey]: You were gonna make her a card?!
Dewey: No.
Reese: You like glitter, Dewey?
(next scene)
Patty (walks in): Dewey?
(Dewey is a mess again)
Malcolm: This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.
Patty (using baby's voice): Guess who needs another bath?
(Dewey smiles as Patty sends him to the bathroom)

Malcolm [to Reese]: What happened? Did you get caught? Where were you?
Reese: Geez, you're always so angry. Maybe you really do need therapy.
Malcolm: What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble we'd be in if we get caught. With Mom, with the school, WITH MOM!!
Reese: Give me a little credit, psycho. I've been doing my own research. (takes rental videos out) See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and the Nutty Professor.
Malcolm: Oh, God! Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.
Reese: Nope. That's confidential. Now, which do you like more? Hannibal Lector or the hockey mask.
(There's a knock on door; Lois & Mrs. Gilbert appear)
Lois: Malcolm? Reese? What do you have to say for yourselves?
Reese: Don't blame Reese? Blame Davey. (Lois grabs his finger and breaks it) Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Malcolm: (sees some explosive devices) Okay, I just figured this out... RUN!!

Malcolm: (to the camera) You know, why plan my future when it's just gonna be a wall of paint crashing down on me? I'm just gonna enjoy being a kid again.

Malcolm: (On the phone with Francis) Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding! So did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?!

Malcolm: [about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.