Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]
Reese: Gimme that!
Lois: Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
Hal: Well, there goes our summer vacation.
Dewey: So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
Malcolm: I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
Reese: Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
[Everyone stares at Malcolm]
Hal: Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Malcolm: Come on, Reese. Hurry up!
Reese: Sorry, I had to put the "lemonade" in the fridge.

Malcolm: Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.
Lloyd: He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's the secret code for the school therapist.

Malcolm: Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.
Dewey: Am I?

Malcolm: Hey, I think 45 minutes of rubbing out corns is worth at least an hour joyride.

Malcolm: Hi, I'm Malcolm.
Cynthia: Cynthia.
Malcolm: So, you're new here.
Cynthia: Yeah, my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan, but I think the real reason is that my mom's remarriage hit him pretty hard and he thinks that a new environment would help. The truth is nothing's been the same after my brother died in a boating accident.
(Malcolm is shocked, Cynthia pauses, then snorts)
Cynthia: Ha! Just kidding.
Malcolm: What?
Stevie (passes by them): Get... a room.
(Cynthia laughs)
Malcolm: Anyways, see you later, and I'm glad your brother's okay.
Cynthia: I don't have a brother.

Malcolm: I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything.... AND I'M FAT!

Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And yet...you keep...talking.

Malcolm: I think is time to move to plan B: lying.
[Scene switches to the kitchen]
Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So what's the report on?
Malcolm: [[A Tale of Two Cities].
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
Malcolm: [to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!

Malcolm: Imagine if this was to fall into the wrong hands.
Dewey: I see an old lady!!
Malcolm: RELOAD! RELOAD!

Malcolm: It's been ten days since Mom lost her job. Yesterday for dinner we had macaroni and rice. Today, it's rice and macaroni.

Malcolm: Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
Reese: There's six steps?
Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
Reese: You remember that by just watching?
Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!
Reese: So, you know my routine?
Malcolm: It's not that hard.
Reese: But... you know my routine.
Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.
Malcolm: That is where I was going.
Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.
Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?
Reese: I know what's more embarrassing.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Malcolm: Mom, do you...do you like your parents?
Lois: It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
Malcolm: I know.
Lois: At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
Malcolm: Back to their own home.
Lois: Yeah...that's what I meant.

Malcolm: Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

Malcolm: Mom, my stomach hurts.
Reese: So does mine!
Malcolm: I'm not kidding, it's really sore.
Reese: Owwwww... it hurts.
Malcolm: Shut up, Reese.
Reese: I see spots! Mommy!
Lois: Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
Hal: You know, now you mentioned it...
Lois: Everybody's going!