Lois: Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me....
[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]
Lois: Don't you dare!
[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]
Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.
Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reese: You're gonna die.
Malcolm: I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?
[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well]
Season 2

Lois: Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.
Francis: Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.
Lois: You bring the yams. [hangs up]

Lois: Hey, Francis, how's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Lois: Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

Lois: I am not taking traffic school.
Hal: Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.
Lois: I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.
[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]
Lois: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]
Lois: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...
[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]
Lois: Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...
[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]
Malcolm, Reese, & Dewey: You're right, mom!

Lois: It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.
Hal: Good for you.
Lois: I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner
Hal: I think I see a couple of hungry seals!
(The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths)

Lois: MALCOLM!! REESE!!! MOVE!!!!!

Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!

Lois: OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!

Lois: Reese, give your brother a hug.
Reese: Aw, mom?
Lois: Do it!
Reese: (gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.

Lois: The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)

Lois: There's got to be 500 gallons of paint up there.
Hal: There isn't... yeah, that's about right.

Lois: Well, knock yourself out. My record is clean.
[Scene changes to the police officer arresting Lois.]
Lois: There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets! The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!

Lois: Well, that's not fair! What do they expect him to do, beat up a girl?
Reese: I get to beat up a girl...cool!

Lois: Who's damn dog is this!!! I SAID, WHO'S DAMN DOG IS THIS!!! (tries to open the truck door but is locked) Trapped inside, and all the window's rolled and it's 90 DEGREES OUT HERE!!! (no one responds) Okay! Okay! It's nobody's damn dog. So, I guess nobody's gonna mind... (picks up a rock) ... if I just do this. (smashes the window and peeks in and talks to dog) Oh, don't be scared, little doggy. Oh, everything is gonna be... (dog snarls and goes after Lois; Lois' face turns to fear as she takes off)