Malcolm in the Middle quotes

227 total quotes



All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 2  



Lois [to Malcolm about Mrs. Griffin]: You broke her arm?
Malcolm: She had my ball.
Lois: You broke her arm for a ball?
Malcolm: No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.
Lois: You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?
Hal: Was it a special ball, son?

Lois [to Malcolm]: I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.
Malcolm: Every day??!!
Lois: Not one word! Every day!! End of story!

Lois [to Malcolm]: Where's your jester costume?
Malcolm: In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Lois: Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.

Lois [to the boys]: Now, remember, no throwing ice, no flicking butter at the ceiling, no sticking gum under the table, and no eating gum already stuck under the table!

Lois: (while cleaning out the closet) Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums? Hi, Malcolm. How was school?
Malcolm: It was normal. Yeah, I'd say normal. Very medieval. (pointing in the closet) Is that a truck tire?
Lois: What? Oh, my... Hal!

Lois: (sees that the new refrigerator has been destroyed) WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!
Victor: We can't be sure.
Reese: (hysterical) Grandpa gave me a grenade, and it was going to blow, and I didn't mean to drop it! But Malcolm threw it in the fridge!
Lois: You gave my son a grenade? You brought live ammunition into this house?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!

Lois: [Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!
Reese: Nothing.
Lois: Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]
Lois: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!
Reese: All right! Okay!!!
Dewey: Can I have some milk?
Lois: Yes... but get a glass!
Dewey: Okay.

Lois: [sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.
Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.
Reese: [different time] I don't know.
Dewey: [different time] Don't know.

Lois: All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.
Reese: OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.
Malcolm: [to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

Lois: And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.
Hal: We've never finished our last family project.
Lois: Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

Lois: Anything you break comes out of your allowance!
Reese: We don't get an allowance!
Lois: Well, now you know why!

Lois: Boys, I need to speak to your father alone.
Reese: So? You have a bedroom, we're eating!

Lois: Can we hurry this along?
Robber #1: Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.
Lois: Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.
Robber #1: Great, what's the combo?
Craig: No.
Lois & Robber #1: What?
Craig: You can't have it.
Lois: Craig, yes, they can.
Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!
(Craig passes out)

Lois: Craig, that button's been disconnected for a year now.
Craig: What? Why?
Lois: Because you kept pressing the damn thing.
Craig: In an emergency, that's what it's for.
Lois: Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?
Craig: I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.

Lois: Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?
Dewey: She's ran away.
Lois: You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.