[After finding out Francis escaped]
Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.
Hal: What do you mean?
Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.
Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
Lois: Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!
Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?
Lois: I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]
Francis: This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
Lois: Excuse me??!!
Francis: When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
Lois: I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!
Francis: [sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the cops, you send me to military school! Ironic, isn;t it?!
Lois: That cop was out to get me!
Francis: Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
Lois: Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
Francis: Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.
Lois: Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

[At the house on both sides. On one side is Lois watching T.V. with Dewey in a channel he isn't enjoying. On Hal's home side, Dewey is eating pizza and watching a movie. In both scenes, they see the car's flashing lights. On Lois' home side, she carries Dewey to his room and tucks him to bed. On Hal's side, he walks into his room and drags his father out of bed and onto the couch. Dewey hands Hal a pizza slice before heading back into his room. In both sides, Hal and Lois comes home with the boys.]
Lois and Hal:[Home side] So how'd it go?
Hal and Lois:[Bowling side] Next time, you take them.

[Dewey fakes crying to Lois as she walks towards his room carrying a laundry basket.]'
Lois:: Not Buying It.

[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]
Officer 2: License and registration, please.
Francis: Officer, what did I do?
Officer 2: This car was reported stolen.
Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
[digs into wallet to find nothing but a small slip saying "It Gets Worse!"]
Officer 2: I'm not gonna ask you again.
Francis: Sir, I know this looks bad...
[Francis and the cop hears banging in the trunk]
Officer 2: Open the trunk!
Francis: Officer, let me explain...
Officer 2: OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!
[Francis unlocks the trunk as the officer opens it and finds Malcolm & Reese in the back tied up]
Officer 2: GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!

[Francis attempts to eat 100 marshmallow "quacks"]
Cadets: 61! 62! 63!... [horrified] 62... 61... [enthusiastic] 62! 63! 64!

[Francis is hanging upside down]
Stevenson: You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
Francis: I'm really not. No.
Stevenson: [dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.
Francis: I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]
Lois: [Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.
Francis: [flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]

[Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door]
Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
Reese: Another hour.
Hal: Yeaow.

[Hal has just put both feet on the brake of the van to frustrate the silver Volvo.]
Lois: Oh good lord Hal, he could have a gun. Just pull over and let him pass.

[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]
Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?
Malcolm: Mom, what?
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
Reese: Malcolm did it!
Malcolm: Reese did it!
Reese: I didn't do it!
Malcolm: I didn't do it!
Dewey: We're going to the dentist?

[Malcolm and Reese are locked out of the house at night.]
Malcolm: What are we going to do now?
Reese: [falls into a cesspool via a trap they had set up earlier] AAAAAHHHH! Oh my God! What is this stuff?
Malcolm: Well, at least the night isn't a total loss.

[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]
Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Dewey: [hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: [continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
Reese: Cut it out!
Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
Reese: Knock it off, you little...
Lois: [from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!
Reese: I didn't do anything!
Lois: No!
Reese: He was lying!
[Dewey takes Reese's spot]
Malcolm: [to the camera] I gave him that.

[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
Malcolm: It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.

[Reese is arguing with the driver of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]
Reese: This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!
Ice cream truck driver: Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...
[The driver shuts himself in the truck]
Reese: You son of a...
Malcolm: Look, there's nothing you can do!
Reese: Yes, there is! I can... I can...
[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]
Jessica: And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Malcolm: Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

[Reese is playing around with Victor's army paraphernalia, when he pulls the safety pin off a grenade.]
Victor: God in Heaven!
Reese: What? What?!
Victor: This is live grenade! Do not let go of the handle, or we both die!
Reese: I don't want to die!
Victor: Don't worry, all we have to do is find the pin. Find the pin, put the pin back in, and everything will be fine.
[The pin breaks; the two of them are shocked]
[Malcolm is soothing his black eye when Victor and Reese run in, still locked by the grenade.]
Victor: (to Reese) Quit crying like baby.
Malcolm: What's going on?
Reese: Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!
Victor: No, no, no! It's for you, not him.
Malcolm: Oh my God! We have to call the police!
Victor: No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic. [Throws the phone on the table out of the room]
Malcolm: Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a total idiot!
Reese: He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!