Mac: I browned out that evening.
Frank: Browned out? What's browned out?
Mac: It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.

Mac: Let's talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there is nothing I can do about it. So speed is a must.
Dennis: Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests on this boat.
Mac: Yeah, we're gonna throw some P-Diddy style parties up on the deck.
Charlie: Can we talk shrimp for a minute. I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump amount of shrimp.
Mac: You should be writing this down.
Dennis: Why are you not writing this down?
Boat Salesman: Let me just see if i have this right here. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like what you guys are looking for P. Diddy style of shrimping vessel.
Charlie: You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.

Mac: Mom was a manager of Jiffy Lube for many years.
Charle: I never heard about this.
Mac: Well, she doesn't like to brag. She started her way at the bottom and worked her way to the tippidy top.
Charlie: There's only three people at Jiffy Lube so it's not exactly a high climb.

Mac: Oh Oh Oh! Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of the sudden. Marriage is about procreation okay. This is gay marriage! That's two dudes bangin each other! What do ya get from that? Nothin! Nothin!

Mac: Parenting is pretending you know what you're talking about, then jamming it down their throat!
Season 7

Mac: Stride, stride, execute!

Mac: We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, and the ones we've had we've squandered.
Charlie: We've squandered them all.

Mac: Where's our bible?
Dee: Seriously..
Mac: Where is our God damn bible?!
Frank: This is a bar!

Mac: Why are you jamming me up, bro?
Gym Manager: I'm not trying to jam you up, I just don't believe you.
Mac: What is not to believe? I'm absolutely Dennis Reynolds.
Gym Manager: This picture looks nothing like you.
Mac: Well, thank you, cause I've actually packed on about fifteen to twenty pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken. It's actually a testament to your gym.

Mrs. Mac: They ain't American, I don't want to know them.
Mrs. Kelly: I know. I wish they'd all go back to the desert.
Mac: It does seem like they're bonding.
Charlie: It's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's a racist conversation.

Nick: So what you're sayin' is you gonna whup my black ass with a rod, and as long as I get up in a few days, we all good?

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.

Radio host: "Reggie Leech" is... the correct answer!
Charlie: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Radio host: Please don't curse.
Mac: You can't censor me bro, I'm kind of a bad ass.

The Waitress: I am not leaving here until you apologize to me.
Dennis: Yeah, well, you're going to be here for a while.
Frank: I'll give you fifty bucks if you take your top off... and drink soup out of my shoe.