Dennis: I don't get it Sweet Dee, There are tons of women in this city; where do they mate with these gorrillas?
Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Oh I see.
Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

Dennis: Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!

Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
Dennis: Doctor.

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that's OK, that's OK, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don't like where this is headed.

Dennis: We're really sorry Charlie, but it was dark, we didn't know it was you... and you were robbing the register.
Charlie: Yeah... still wish you hadn't shot me.

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're goin' to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.

Mac: That bitch is dead.

Mac: [To Dennis handing him a photo] : Dude, Your Grandpa's a Nazi!

[Tommy spits in Charlie's face]
Charlie: Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!