Charlie: Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: Why's he talking like that?
Dennis: Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!
Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
Mac: Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.
Charlie: Ah, the generator!
Mac: No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.
Charlie: Alright.
Mac: It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.
Dennnis: Go go go...
Charlie: Okay okay...

Charlie: Yes, my good man, I'll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans...raw.

Charlie: You don't know shit about chicks!!!
Dennis: oh! we don't know shit about chicks?? so guess what bro, the waitress is getting marriage so suck on that!!!.......

Charlie: You guys cannot say that he molested you!
Ryan: Why not?
Charlie: Because he didn't molest you!
Ryan: That's true, but he's a dick, and we hated him.

Charlie: You keep on using this word "jabroni" and... it's awesome.

Charlie: You should have seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.
Mac: You knew that it was a dick?!
With Mac  :Dennis: You knew?!

Charlie: You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! OK! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?
Mac: What the hell are you talking about?
Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: OK, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well, calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: Because we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs!
Charlie: Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having a panic attack.
Charlie: Well, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's freakin' out. [turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him]
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see the...[Looks around and Barney's disappeared] Holy shit! Where the hell did he go? [Yello's "Oh Yeah" comes on in the background] Day Bow Bow.
Mac: You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie. [Cha. Chika-chika!]

Dee & Dennis: Intervention! Intervention!
Charlie: Whoop! Whoop!
Charlie & Dennis: You're trapped! You're trapped! You're trapped!

Dee (beating on a bum with a baton): You like that, bitch, huh? (She throws the bum into the trashcans, picks up a trashcan lid and starts bashing him over the head with it.) I am not your little pinup-girl for you to tug your rotten pecker at!
Bum: You crazy bitch! (Dee kicks him in the ass as he runs away from her.)
Dee: I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

Dee (from inside the warehouse): It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here!
Frank: Uh-huh! (he tosses the match into the warehouse and runs)

Dee (furious): I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed!
Charlie: Well, somebody had to do it!
Mac: Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!
Dee: You set me on fire!
Frank': We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!
Mac: Just barely!
Frank: We put you out!
Charlie: Exactly! (Dee emerges from the building. As Frank is blasting her with the extinguisher, she throws the box of kittens to one side.)
Dee: Well, I do look kinda heroic--
Mac: What?! What are you talking about?! You threw the box of kittens!
Dee: I WAS ON FIRE!
Charlie (mimicking Dee): I was on fire!
Frank (annoyed): We gotta shoot this shit again!
Charlie (dismissively): Yeah, like fire hurts...

Dee I found the kittens! (Frank tosses something into the well and runs. Annoyed) Oh, come on! (Another explosion, and Dee starts screaming again.)
(Cut to the couch, where Frank, Mac and Charlie are watching the video.)

Dee: [aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready?
Frank: Yes.
Dee: All right.
Frank: Shoot!
Dee: One, two, three..
Charlie: [comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing!?
Frank: I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna make us a fortune!
Charlie: All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent.
Frank: Shoot the pumpkin.
Charlie: Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.
Dee: OK.
Charlie: Gimme the gun.
Dee: Fine.
Charlie: Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!
Dee: Oh my God!
Charlie: Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.
Dee: You know what? OK, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, OK? I'm a witch and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns!
Charlie: [points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions]
Dee: Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off]
Frank: Gimme that gun!
Charlie: She cursed the gun!
Frank: [aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun!
Charlie: [pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger]
Frank: Nothin'!
Charlie: Try me! [strikes a pose]
Frank: [pulls trigger but still nothing happens]

Dee: [reading a letter Mac wrote to baseball player Chase Utley] Alright, Oh shit there's stickers. "Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike." Really? "I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real 'home run.'"

Dee: Also I wrote a song and I'm gonna throw it in there.
Charlie: I swear to god if you do that I'll-
Dee: Too bad, its gonnnnaaa happen! Its gonna happen!
Charlie: I will smack your face, off of your face!!
Dee: Ok.
Season 5