Charlie: I love you Peter Nincompoop! I miss you...already!

Charlie: I never thought I'd ever say this in my life, but it's weird sleeping without a cat in my bed

Charlie: I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
Mac: Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
Charlie: Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.
Dennis: That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
Charlie: How are you going to be wood?

Charlie: I'll blast you all over if you flinch again.

Charlie: I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.

Charlie: I'll pull a Good Will Hunting. (To the frat boys) What's your major dude?
Frat Boy: Economics
Charlie: (In Boston accent) Oh, I bet you read a lotta Gordon Wood, huh? You read your Gordon Wood and you regurgitate it from a textbook and you think you're wicked awesome doin' that, And how 'bout 'dem apples? And all that Gordon Wood business.
Frat Boy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Other Frat Boy: You are an idiot.
Mac: You are an idiot.
Charlie: Does no one know who Gordon Wood is?

Charlie: I'm gonna go pick up some diguises.
Dennis: Why?
Charlie: So people don't know who we are.
Dennis: People already don't know who we are!

Charlie: I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!

Charlie: If animals have taught me anything, it's that you can easily die and very quickly under a bus and on the side of the road.

Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, shithead!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no shit.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.

Charlie: Later dudes. S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.
Mac: Why would he not wear a C?
Dennis: I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.

Charlie: Look at this, dude. That's just a bucket of chestnuts.
Dennis: Who has-
Mac: What, is he just foraging for his food?
Charlie: I don't know, why the hell would you have a bucket of chestnuts, bro?!

Charlie: Look, could you imagine America where everyone just gives up?
Dee: I don't care.
Charlie: Ok, let's just give up.
Mac: Hey Charlie.
Charlie: No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?
Mac: No. No.
Charlie: No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.
Dennis: What are you talking about? Will you shut up?
Charlie: I'm gonna be a smoker.
Mac: You don't have to smoke Charlie.
Charlie: You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]
Liam: That's what you get Charlie.
Dennis: Hey get the hell out of here.
Liam: You get forkstabbed!

Charlie: Look, Mac, I'm tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?
Mac: What? No!
Charlie: Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
Mac: Let who out?
Charlie: The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Mac: I'm not a serial killer!
Frank: Then why all the shady behavior?
Mac: I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
Charlie: No, you've been...what?!
(beat)

Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, ok? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do!
Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!
Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!