[Ted meets The Captain on his boat]
Ted: Where's Zoey?
The Captain: Well, I'm afraid she's feeling under the weather. Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.
Ted: Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?

[Ted receives a call]
Ted: Hello?
Old Woman: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted: Yes.
Old Woman: The window is open.
Ted: [pause] What?
Old Woman: The Window...is open!
Ted: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall: What are you waiting for?
Ted: I...I...
Marshall: Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily: Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!

[Ted talks about how to move on after a break-up]
Future Ted: Others draw themselves into...
Barney: Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
Marshall: MILSWANCAs?
Ted: Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Barney: Correct! Circle gets the square!

[Ted tries to coach Victoria into writing her runaway-bride note]
Victoria: [starts to write letter] Klaus...
Ted: Just Klaus? Give it some heart, the poor guy!
Victoria: "Dear sweet Klaus..."
Ted: Sweet? So what, are you still in love with this jerk?
Victoria: I'm doing this on my own.
Ted: I'm sorry, I feel bad for the guy. I'm stealing the greatest girl in the world away from him.
Victoria: You're not stealing me. I'm choosing you...[kisses him] because you are loving, you are caring, and [gives note to Ted] you are going to give him this note.
Ted: You're expecting me to go there?
Victoria: It took me everything I had to climb out of that church window...and if I had to go back there, I'm not sure if I can do it again.
Ted: [gets note and leaves car but enters and rubs note in Victoria's face] It has to smell like you.

[Ted tries to convince Barney and Robin to apologize to Marshall and Lily for turning down their Couples Nights]
Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?
Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right...
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: ...all that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]
Barney: [calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.

[Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene]
Ted: Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Robin: Unpopular.
Lily: Beaten up.
Barney: Going to movies with his mom.
Ted: A Boy Scout is always prepared.
Robin: Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
Marshall: Prepared to die a virgin.
Barney: Prepared to paint his sister's nails..
Ted: Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
Robin: You're a tropical depression.

[Ted's briefing Barney about Robin's facial expressions, especially one particular slide]
Ted: But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]
Barney: [awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]
Ted: [describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.

[Ted's just found out from a college professor that he is in the wrong class]
Student: T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]

[Ted's mother and her boyfriend, Clint, visits the apartment, but Clint couldn't stop praising Virginia]
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.

[Ted's prepared to embark on the road trip to Gazola's with Marshall]
Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a variety of jerky. I got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other one I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!

[Ted's wooing of Stella backfires when he discovers that Abby, her receptionist, likes him]
Robin: [at the bar] Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.
Ted: I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.
Barney: Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

[Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby's missing from the apartment]
Ted: Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.
Robin: Got out? What do you mean?
Ted: He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.
Marshall: It wasn't me.
Lily: Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!
Ted: He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
Marshall: I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.

[Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians]
Better Lily: We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
Robin: [thought] Please God, no!
Barney: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore.
New Marshall: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?

[The gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1]
Lily: Wow. You had more fans than I thought.
Ted: And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.
Robin: What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.

[The gang debates about what the essence of being New Yorkers really is]
Ted: I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily: No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks
Marshall: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.
Future Ted: And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.