[Ted goes to Robin's apartment after the rains begin]
Ted: Robin! Hey! Robin! Oh, thank God you're here!
Robin: My camping trip got rained out!
Ted: I know, I'm sorry.
Robin: It's not your fault.
Ted: Yeah, it is. Come down here.
Robin: But it's pouring! You come up!
Ted: No, you have to come down here!
Robin: Why?
Ted: Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN! That's what I did today! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now get down here!
Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted! Come up!
Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You have to come down here!
[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted.]
Robin: I was gonna...
Ted: I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]
Season 2

[Ted has decided not to take GNB's offer to design the headquarters again]
Lily: But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.
Ted: I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.
Marshall: Dude, None taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...
Ted: For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.
Marshall: ... But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan...with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

[Ted has just asked Marshall and Lily to set him up with a potential wife]
Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?
Ted: Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.
Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!
Ted: Really?
Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue!
Ted: It's the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!

[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]
Ted: [to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!
Barney: [after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...
Ted: And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.
Barney: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.
Ted: [shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]
Robin: So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -
Ted: And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

[Ted is declaring himself to Royce in a movie theater, Barney is in the audience]
Barney: Aww go on honey - kiss him! [audience gasps, Ted stares at him]
Future Ted: Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.
Barney: [chanting] Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Future Ted: Still not saying 'kiss'.
Usher: Sir, you need to leave. Now!!
Barney: This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?

[Ted is fed up with Barney's proposals for Legendary nights and demands why he wants it so bad]
Barney: Because...I'm dating a stripper.
Ted': Yeah, I've seen the bus ad. I get it.
Barney: No you don't. Every night, between 9pm and 4am, I'm in Hell. All I can think about is what Quinn is doing, and where she is doing it, and who she is doing it on. If I don't do something to take my mind off of it... You're lucky that you could just go sit around the house, Ted. I don't have that option.
Ted': Wow, you're in love with this girl -
Barney: I really am, Ted. I mean...she's a stripper.

[Ted is furious with Barney over sleeping with Robin and comes to a decision]
Ted: You know what Barney, earlier this week I've been putting some stuff into a box and that box was labeled "Stuff I Have No Use For Anymore."
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: All I'm saying is, maybe you belong in that box.
Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

[Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is]
Ted: Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney: [in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Ted: Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
Barney: [normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so... [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Ted: Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-
Barney: I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]
Ted: Whoo, lighting change!

[Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie]
Ted: One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Louis: Maggie?
Ted: Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
Betty: [raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
Ted: No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Jamie: Is she hottie?
Ted: Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
Betty: Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Ted: Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]

[Ted is trying to narrate his story to Marshall over the phone about him dropping Zoey as a friend, however...]
Judy Eriksen: [listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?
Marshall: Mom, get off the phone!
Marcus Eriksen: [from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?
Judy Eriksen: Of course, dear.
Marshall: Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.

[Ted is undecided on his Architect's Ball date]
Ted: I can't decide. They're both awesome.
Robin: If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
[Ted looks at Robin, disgusted]
Lily: I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?
Ted: Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]
Lily: Just call one of 'em!

[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys]
Cindy: I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
Ted: And what does frat guys say to that?
Cindy: [drawls] 'That's hot.'
Ted: [laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
Cindy: Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
Cindy: I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
Ted: So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Cindy: Almost exclusively.

[Ted just saw Robin]
Future Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.

[Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her...again]
Natalie: [after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?
Ted: I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know it's just...
Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's no big deal. It's odd, like you lost the lottery--
Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?
Ted: I can't explain.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?
Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: So I'm stupid?
Ted: What's going on?
Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!
Ted: No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-
Natalie: WHAT!?
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said...
Natalie: [in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.
Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.
[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]