[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it.]
Robin: [cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
Ted and Barney: [to each other] She means you.

[Ted and Barney are in a library trying to recruit Barney's friend Penelope for a rain dance]
Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!
Penelope: [loudly] Barney, there is no way I'm- [student shushes her]
Barney: Seriously, come on.
Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted: There's this girl-
Penelope: Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.
Ted: But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!
Penelope: This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kinda like Barney?
Ted: Kinda.
Barney: Hey!
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!
Penelope: [To Ted] I'm in.

[Ted and Barney discuss the GNB headquarters project, which may involve tearing down the classic Arcadian theater]
Barney: Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.
Ted: New is always better?
Barney: Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

[Ted and Marshall are at the apartment of the gay couple who bought Lily's painting just for the frame]
Ted: Since you're a clearly man of impeccable taste and style, I want to ask you: what do you think of the boots? [shows red cowboy boots]
Lawrence: Walter. [Walter goes out of bedroom] Boots.
Walter: [looks down at boots] Pulling. Them. Off!
Ted: [to Marshall, smiling] I'll be in the cab.

[Ted and Marshall are stuck in the snow after Marshall admits he wants to marry Lily someday.]
Ted: [to Marshall, who's cuddling with him to remain warm] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Please stop!

[Ted and Robin clash over the apartment Quinn is subletting, and Robin lays out the real reason why she wants it so bad]
Robin: Hasn't it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment, and now, I'm about to lose my job.
Ted: What do you mean?
Robin: I've been completely distracted at work, and now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock, which in the office is known as "Fire o'clock."
Ted: I had no idea.
Robin: How could you? The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me and I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, but ... damn it, this sucks for me too. I miss you. Is there any way we could just ... go back to normal?
Ted: I don't think I can do normal anymore.

[Ted and Robin just recovered Marshall's special turkey and he hugs them.]
Marshall: Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Ted: Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Marshall: Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]

[Ted and Robin talk about his confrontational skills]
Robin: I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, "Never give up. Never surrender."
Ted: That's Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest.

[Ted and Stella agree to have sex, but both are nervous]
Stella: How long's it been for you?
Ted: It's been a while.
Stella: Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!
Ted: It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]
Robin, Lily, and Marshall: [at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!

[Ted and Stella are arguing about whether New York or New Jersey is better]
Stella: Bruce Springsteen.
Ted: Sinatra.
Stella: Yeah, he's from Hoboken...New Jersey.
Ted: Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not Secaucus, Secaucus!

[Ted chances upon Marshall grilling sausages in the decrepit house he just bought]
Ted: How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Marshall: Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.
Ted: But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
Marshall: I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Ted: Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
Marshall: That's what I'd do.
Ted: Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Marshall: Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]
Future Ted: And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house...(the holes in the wall are fixed and bits and pieces of furniture appear, ending with the Son and Daughter sitting on a couch)...is this house.

[Ted confronts Robin over Gael leaving Spanish massage oil on his apartment]
Ted: Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
Ted: You weren't trying to win the breakup?
Robin: I was trying to survive it.

[Ted consults Lily about what to do with his students after they walk out, thanks to Zoey. Lily described what she did to Johnny Marley]
Ted: Lily. You're a psychopath.
Lily: Little bit. [to student who gave her a panda drawing] Ah, a panda!
Future Ted: I thought about Lily's advice, and I figured, fear was worth a try. [Ted walks to picket line]
Zoey: Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?
Ted: [to students] Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an F. [students are shocked]
[at MacLaren's]
Lily: You said that?
Future Ted: Well, technically they'd get an "Incomplete," but I thought "F" had a nice, scary ring to it.

[Ted continues to see Robin in every person he encounters]
Ted: Why are you still here?
Robin: [as MacLaren's bartender] Why do you think I'm still here?
Ted: I guess because I'm in love with you. Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?
Robin: [as old patron] Because you feel bad.
Ted: Of course I feel bad. I told you I still love you because apparently, that's the worst thing you can say to someone.
Robin: That's not why you feel bad. You feel bad because you let me go away. I know our relationship wasn't exactly what you wanted it to be, and I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?
Ted: [pause] I miss you.
Robin: [as model in Wharmpess Gold beer] So go get me back.

[Ted drives with Victoria riding shotgun]
Victoria: Where shall we go? Your place? My place? We could go on my honeymoon. [laughs] Just kidding...although it is paid for.
Ted: I know where we should go.
Victoria: Where?
Ted: Your wedding. I'm taking you back.
Victoria: I don't understand. I thought you wanted this.
Ted: I do want this. I've thought about you so many times, what might have been...but I got left at the altar and it nearly killed me. You're someone's fiancee, and I have to respect that. So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding. It's the right thing to do.
Victoria: Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option, and now that I know that, it's like I'm sobering up. Is there any way we can pretend that this never happened?
Ted: [softly] This never happened.
Season 8