[Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
Barney: [opens door] You guys bangin'?
Marshall and Lily: Whaaaaaa!
Barney: Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
Ted: [enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up. [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again]
Robin: This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

[Marshall and Lily talk about her father's presence at Thanksgiving]
Marshall: [after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?
Lily: No.
Marshall: Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.
Lily: Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.
Marshall: He was just out trying to provide for the family.
Lily: No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.
Marshall: Well, let's just give him some dark meat.

[Marshall and Lily talk about Lily's program in San Francisco]
Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up?
Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.
Marshall: For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.
Ted: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.

[Marshall and Ted have an epiphany for apparently missing the entire Groovaplooza show]
Marshall: I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know.
Ted: I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.
Marshall: We're getting old. [sees Lily] Lily! [hugs her] I'm so sorry that we ruined our night.
Lily: What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!

[Marshall brings Robin to a Minnesota-themed bar, the Walleye Saloon]
Robin: [Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?
Marshall: That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!
Bud: [overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?
Marshall: Yeah.
Bud: Damn! [slams fist on table as well]

[Marshall confronts Garrison Cootes over the piddly settlement from Gruber Pharmaceuticals]
Marshall: Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die.
Cootes: Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Marshall: First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this. [shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop]
Cootes: Boy or girl?
Marshall: I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why?
Cootes: 'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?
Marshall: No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself.

[Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered]
Marshall: In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it -
Lily: I can't wait. What is the name?
Marshall: The name is Wait For It.
Lily: [screams while pushing] AAGHH....THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!
Part II

[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview.]
Lily: Hey baby, how'd it go?
Marshall: Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
Lily: Baby, come here.
Marshall: I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down.]
Future Ted: And Marshall slept...[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.
[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room]
Marshall: Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
Lily: I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ... I'm pregnant.
Season 7

[Marshall has become fed up with Lily's father pushing them around in their own house]
Marshall: That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
Mickey Aldrin: Well, I'm just trying to help-
Marshall: We don't need your help!!!

[Marshall has given Barney a card where the gender of his and Lily's baby is written. Robin sees it too]
Marshall: [seeing them giggle] This may have been a mistake.
Barney: [looks at Marshall] Boy...do I like babies!
Robin: Girl...friend, your hair looks fantastic!
Barney: Twins...was the feel-good movie of 1988.

[Marshall is incensed because his father's last message to him appears to be a pocket dial.]
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher...and he was my best friend. He always came through for me...and now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [holds up his phone with scratchy electronic sounds; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You! You took my father...the greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail. [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail. It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely, or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.
Lily: Marshall...
Marshall: How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]
Marvin Eriksen: Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? [laughs] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]

[Marshall is livid that Amanda wrote Lily's age and name wrong in her birthday cake]
Marshall: 42nd? Does this [gestures to Lily] hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?
Lily: No Marshall, it's okay.
Marshall: No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
Amanda: I'm so sorry..
Marshall: OUT!! [points thumb at door]

[Marshall just linked up with Ted and Barney at MacLaren's]
Ted: [to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?
Ted and Marshall: No.
Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.

[Marshall talks to Lily about selling the house she inherited from her grandparents]
Marshall: Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four.
Lily: Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home.
Marshall: 'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with sledgehammers....as a family.

[Marshall will not take Robin's skepticism of miracles lightly and narrates one of his own miracle stories]
Marshall: July, 1999, Kennedy airport.
[A flashback to March 1997, when Marshall arrives home from Amsterdam and checks into Immigration at JFK]