Burt: I don't know what two guys do when they're together. You know, I sat through the whole of Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in that tent.

Burt: I'm not really known for having a way with words. You know, when you're a kid, adults will tell you lots of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much, but Kurt... He lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back, I-I wanna apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living, it just... it wasn't living. You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well,sometimes, out of nowhere, He'll do you one better. He'll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders and He pointed me towards this woman right here, and He said, 'There she is, go get her'. You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you - you're everything. And I will love you till the day I die.
[Rachel tears up, Finn smiles at her, Santana watches longingly]
Carole: I'm lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other just saved me. Kurt, you're an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend. Finn... I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man. But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt. [Carole holds Finn's hand, Burt takes Kurt's] We are four people becoming a family.
Priest: Okay. Burt, do you take Carole--
Burt: You bet I do!
Priest: And do you, Carole, take this man--
Carole: Oh, yes, I do! Yes, I do!
[Everyone applauds. Burt and Carole kiss]

Burt: What the hell was that?
Kurt: It's nothing, Dad.
Burt: That wasn't nothing. That guy was making fun of you. What the hell's his name?
Finn: Tell him.
Burt: Tell me what?
Finn: Tell him, or I will.
Kurt: His name's Dave Karofsky. He's been harassing me for a few weeks now.
Burt: Harassing you how?
Kurt: Just shoving me and giving me a hard time.
Burt: There's more. There's something else you're not telling me.
Kurt: He threatened to kill me.

Burt: You beat them all. They threw everything at you. They tried to beat you down. But you know what? You're unstoppable, Kurt. They can never take this away from you. I am so proud to be your dad. Right now, in this moment, on this day, you won.

Burt: You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freaking horse.

Burt: Your Glee Club saved my kid's life. It turns out art can do that, ya know? Whether it's through singing or dancing or painting a freakin' picture.

Carl: You all have a role to fill and I'm just trying to help fill it.
Santana: Wanky.

Coach Beiste: All right, guys, it's a pizza party. Dig in. Everyone has to eat at least four slices. Let's go! And when you're done, full pads out on the field. We're doing wind sprints. And the first ten to puke are off the team.

Coach Beiste: Come on, guys! Why, just last week, three Fort Wayne gymnasts had to have their junk amputated!
Puck: I stopped washing down there 'cause it seemed kind of gay.
Rory: I thought that's what the hair was for: catching the dirt.
Finn: Huh, lift and scrub. Who knew it was so easy?

Coach Beiste: She put husky to good use.
Brittany: Was her name Rickki Lake?
(During the Glee club's performance)

Coach Roz Washington: Sam Evans? I'm Coach Roz Washington. And you are one strange looking kid. I've never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you've had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. Well, I know a thing or two about overcoming. When I was growing up, they said that black folks couldn't swim. But I had a DREAM! that one day I would get to the promised land. So I swam out there and got my forty acres and a pool.
Swimmer: Coach Roz was an Olympian.
Coach Roz Washington: That's right. I won this Bronze damn Olympic Medal in Beijing, China for individual synchronized swimming. I bet you didn't even know there was such a thing as individual synchronized swimming. Nod to me if I'm getting trough to you, nod to me!
Sam: [nods]
Coach Roz Washington: I'm gonna say one thing to you, Sam Evans, and I'm only gonna say it once. If you pee in my pool, I will kill you.

Coach Tanaka: Can you do that with a game on the line, and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?
Kurt: Sounds like fun. Can I have my music?
Coach Tanaka: If you can kick like that, you can wear a tutu for all I care.

Dave: Hope you enjoy the chocolates. The butterscotch ones are my favorite.

Dave: It's taken me a while, but for the first time in my life, I'm trying to be honest about what I feel. [holds Kurt's hand]

Doctor: Rachel, I'm afraid you'll never sing again.
[Rachel gasps]
Doctor: Just kidding.