Brittany: The key is to use your curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from being burnt.
Lauren: No.

Brittany: The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.
Kurt: I wanted something toned down!
Santana: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.

Brittany: This looks like the alien spaceship where I was probed.
Carl: Brittany, you have the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. It's got to be some sort of record.
Brittany: Please don't pull out all my teeth. When I smile, I'll look like an adult baby but with boobs.

Brittany: Tornadoes are nature's most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn't it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, uh, I pledge to go topless.

Brittany: You're really hot.
Britney: You're sweet.
Brittany: And your breath smells really nice.
Brittney: So does yours. And you know why? Because this is a fantasy.
Brittany: Wow.

Bryan: [About Will] Uh, I don't know this man. His caretaker just stepped away; I overheard him mention he's a sex offender.

Bryan: Can't feed a child sheet music, Will. I mean, I suppose you could for a while, but they'd be dead in a month.

Bryan: I've grown weary of your insults, Will. They're terrible, and they make me want to punch you in the face.

Bryan: Sue, you're an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now. You ever heard of the term, "anger sex"?
Sue: It's the only kind I know, Bryan.
Bryan: I should tell you I'm married.
Sue: Not a problem for me.
Bryan: And I'm still cutting half your budget.
Sue: Eh, you win some, you lose some.
Bryan: Should I lock the door?
Sue: No. Got a secret room upstairs ... like Letterman.

Bryan: We'll probably cut the glee club.
Will: What? But you were in the glee club. Show choir was your life!
Bryan: It was, Will. And after I graduated, I hit the big time. I was a featured soloist at King's Island in the Dooble-Dee-Doo Musical Revue; we were a smash. Then, for three years, I did the cruise ship circuit. When that dried up, I realized I had been sold a bill of goods. Nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained mattress in the West Lima crack district. Then, something amazing happened: I was introduced to Jesus; he was my Honduran social worker. I straightened up, put down the pipe, met the love of my life, Wilma, and now I run a successful used Hummer dealership. Don't make that face ... global warming's a theory.

Burt Hummel: Kurt, when you're ready, I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready I want you to, use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around, like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.
Kurt Hummel: [pause] Is that it?
Burt Hummel: That's it, for now. Can I make you some toast?
Kurt Hummel: I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets
[he gathers the gay sex Ed pamphlets his father has brought home]

Burt Hummel:[Having "the talk" with his son] Now for most guys sex is, just, ya know, this thing we always want to do. Ya know, its fun, feels great, but we're not really thinking too much about, ya know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or, ya know, how the other person feels about it.
Kurt Hummel: Women are different?
Burt Hummel: Only because they get that its about something more than just the physical. Ya know, when you're intimate with somebody, in that way, you're exposing yourself, ya know, you're never gonna be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.
Kurt Hummel: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.
Burt Hummel: No, its gonna be worse. Because its two guys. With two guys you got two people who think that sex is just sex. Its gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff you're not going to want to stop. Yah just... you gotta know that it means something. You know, its doing something... to you, to your heart, to your self esteem, even though it feels like... you're just having fun.
Kurt Hummel: So you're saying I shouldn't have sex?
Burt Hummel: I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself.
[pause]

Burt: And if things get serious, use protection.
Brittany: Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

Burt: Dude you're gay.
Kurt: Excuse me?
Burt: You're gay. And you're not like Rock Hudson gay, you're really gay. You sing like Dianna Ross and and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.

Burt: Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over.. and she has to work the night shift.
Kurt: I-I can't do this Friday. They have sing-along Sound of Music at the El Royale Theater, it's a once- a-year event.
Burt: And last week you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
Kurt: SEASON SIX, Dad.
Burt: Those Friday night dinners are ritual in our family - one your mom started.
Kurt: I know, but I'm a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this?