Alan: When a man turns 40, he begins to take measure of himself. I must admit I don't like what I see.
Tara: You're turning 43.
Alan: If you don't mind, I'm trying to appear vulnerable to facilitate my snorkeling up your thighbone later.
Tara: Alan? You boyfriend. Me girlfriend. You have a season's pass.
Alan: You're ruining the conquest part, which is all it's really about for me.

Alan: Why does Shirley get to skip the staff meetings?
Paul: She's got a trial in New York later this week, so she has a busy day.
Brad: Some of us have trials today, so if you don't mind, I'd like to cut out.
Lori: What's your case about, Brad?
Alan: What is it about?
Brad: It involves interference with contractual relations.
Alan: You mean...lesbians?
Paul: Where are you?
Brad: Today, they're calling Tracy to testify that her ex-lover was-
Alan: Lesbian ex-lover.
Brad: -to testify that Tracy was scamming her for money. Tracy was in fact not an actual bone-fide...
Alan: Lesbian?
Brad: You like saying it?
Alan: I do.
Brad: Say it again.
Alan: Lesbian.
Brad: Keep going.
Alan: LESBIAN! LESBIAN! Lez-bee-un. All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Alan: I also like to watch. How many people like to-
Paul: All right, that's enough, this is a staff meeting. I'll ask you all to conduct yourselves appropriately and professionally.
Catherine: Cookies everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.
Paul: Who is this woman?
Catherine: Take two, Tara, you're a rail.
(Later in the episode)
Alan: Hey Brad! All together now!
All: Lesbian!

Alan: Why is that so important to everyone, maintaining integrity?

Alan: Why'd he fire you?
Joan Zeder: Well, one day, six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting. And he says, �Due to the spiraling costs of health care insurance, all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit. At which point I'll test their system for nicotine and if you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated.�� Fired! Friggin' health Nazi. You know, I got rent to pay. And of course, I tried to quit. You know, I wanted to! I did the patch and I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know, but the more I imagined losing my job the more I panicked. And the more I panicked, the more I smoked. Now I'm up to three packs a day. And today was the day, he made me pee in a cup and then he fired me!
Alan: Well, unless that's some kind of sex game with your lover, I find it appalling and we won't let him do it.

Alan: You and Jane Fonda?
Denny: Lest we forget Barbarella. Then she turned on me. Went red. They caught her in one of those communist bitch hunts.
Alan: I think you mean witch hunts.
Denny: No, I'm right on this one.

Alan: You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Denny Crane: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan: Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane: Just once, I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Alan Shore: "I want a kinder and gentler nation."

Alan: You know, we have a saying in Massachusetts. "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die." Until then.

Alan: You two have had sex!
Brad: We're not territorial about that sort of thing, are we?

Alan: Your Honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple.
Eric: I beg your pardon?
Alan: Apple trash can is picked from God.
Eric: Huh?
Judge Willard: Mr Shore!
Alan: Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.
Eric: Objection! I think.
Judge Willard: Mr Shore, you have a notorious history of courtroom theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.
Alan: [emphatically] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then looks up at everyone and feigns nonchalance] What?

Army recruiter: [on the witness stand] We're at war. We need soldiers.

Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: What if somebody wanted to get frozen to avoid the draft?
Denny: Let him move to Canada, freeze his balls off. [Judge James Billmeyer looks at him] Denny Crane!

Associate: Where the hell is Edwin?
Edwin Poole: [entering the room, wearing no pants] Sorry I'm late, good people.
Alan: Is it casual Monday?

Atty Morrison: Nevertheless, the court awarded Mr Bridge joint custody of Barry.
Judge Willard Reese: The cat's name is Barry Manilow?

Bella: Our breakup was very painful for me.
Denny: Me too, twelve stitches.

Bernard Ferrion: Under normal circumstances I'd agree.
Catherine Piper: But?
Bernard Ferrion: I'm Jewish.
Catherine Piper: Bernie, there has never ever been a Jewish serial killer.
Bernard Ferrion: Son of Sam? David Berkowitz?
Catherine Piper: He was adopted. Genetically, he's one of ours.
Bernard Ferrion: Well, what are you saying?
Catherine Piper: I am saying that if you're out there murdering people, on some level, you must want to be Christian. Would you let me take you to church?