Alan: My friend, one of my goals in life is to go to all the places you've gone.
Denny: Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.

Alan: My New Year's resolution...is to appreciate my friends every day and catch more fish.

Alan: Oh, look, it's me!
Denny: I can see that. You were there, in a sea of breasts, and you didn't invite me!

Alan: One last proposal that's entirely possible. I'm kidding by the way, depending upon your reaction-300,000 sealed, we kick back fifty to you under the table.
Attorney: Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.
Alan: Really? Gosh, I am.
Attorney: I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney.
Alan: Well, if that's how you feel, then I was kidding.

Alan: Primetime wants you on during sweeps. They want you to eat Diane Sawyer.

Alan: Ready?
Jerry: I'm ready. I actually feel... calm. Of course, I'm medicated but... [smiles at his own joke]

Alan: Schadenfreude. From the German words, Schaden and Freude, damage and joy. It means to take spiteful, malicious delight in the misfortune of others. We used to dismiss this as simply an ugly side of human nature, but it is much, much more than that. Recently a Stanford professor actually captured Schadenfreude on a brain scan. It's a physiological medical phenomenon. When we see others fall it sometimes causes a chemical to be released in the dorsal striatum of the brain which actually causes us to feel pleasure. If you watch the news or read the papers, which of course you don't because the Judge said not to, but if you did, you would see the undeniable delicious joy of the media and the public over Kelly Nolan's plight. I have no doubt that you want Kelly Nolan to be punished. She married for money, she had an affair, she carried on naked in the pool with her boyfriend. She's cold, materialistic, unlikable, and it might bring you all pleasure to see her go to jail. But as for evidence to establish that she committed a murder beyond all reasonable doubt? It just isn't there. The only possible route to a guilty verdict here is Schadenfreude.

Alan: Shirley, as lovely as the new case you sent me is and she is delightful. I just had Jerry Espenson last week, I need a break from this sort of thing.
Shirley: I'll get the new girl to help, she knows employment law.
Alan: You can't just assign me cases and girls. Girls, maybe.

Alan: Shirley, the truth is I only took this case to be in court with you. I enjoy your company. So, if I can't join you on cases, I'll just have to oppose you. Or I could just oppose you right now against the wall. That would certainly make me happy.
Denny: Bethany, Brad'll be your point-man here, if you need anything go to him. If you're not satisfied... you come to me.

Alan: Shirley? [sighs] What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me...lusting, say, after you? Would there?
Shirley: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.

Alan: Shirley?
Shirley: Alan?
Alan: You're in the men's room again.
Shirley: I need a favor.
Alan: Certainly. My stall or yours?

Alan: So how are you doing?
Denise: Fine.
Alan: I have a rabbi friend with a small gambling problem who, when he hears someone say they're fine, he always asks again until they say something--other than 'fine.' So, how are you doing?

Alan: So, shall we?
Tara: We shall. Do you have Morgan's address?
Alan: I do, but what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night?
Tara: In front of my building with you peeing in the planter?
Alan: I was about to burst. You should've let me come up.
Tara: That plant needed watering.

Alan: The 9/11 commission, they dumped on you pretty good didn't they?
Linwood Winchell: Somewhat.
Alan: Somewhat?! A 'D' in port security, an 'F' in improving communications for first responders a 'D' in border security, an 'F' in aviation security, a 'D' in chemical plant security. These aren't passing grades Mr. Winchell.

Alan: The credit card industry is a pack of hyenas crunching on the bones of the poor.