Denny Crane: Brad. Mr Granger chuckles. There'll be no divorce.
Eli Granger: I beg your pardon?
Denny Crane: Bev and I had an agreement. When we first got together she told me that I could sleep with whomever I wanted. Delmonico's Restaurant. January 14th. Happiest night of my life. So I had sex with another woman. Or a Navy Burberry. Not sure which. But the point is, she granted me the right to tomcat and I exercised that right. No divorce.

Denny Crane: Don't like that kind of thinking. Defense of self. You gotta strike first. Pre-empt 'em. What they say in the news? Victim or vigilante? It's neither. This is Russell Blayney, hero!
'Denise: You wanna try this case in the press?
Denny Crane: Exactly. I wanna grab the public's attention. The story. Character. Narrative. We have to create our own reality. You! Young punk. You must know computers. Set up a website, one of those blobs. Justice for Russell Blayney! And you, Denise, you'll be my second. You look good on camera.

Denny Crane: It's no use, Alan. Nothing interests me anymore.
Reporter on TV: Construction worker Russell Blayney arrested for attempted murder for setting a bobby trap in his home to catch burglars. Miguel Quinones allegedly broke into Blayney's house and received a reported fifty thousand volts of electricity through his body, paralyzing him from the waist down. And leaving us all with the question: Russell Blayney: Victim or Vigilante?
Denny Crane: That case! I want that case.

Denny Crane: So? Who would you rather have as your attorney? Me? Or Hacky McGuilty Verdict here?
Warren Peter: I've faced him before. You'd rather have him.
Denny Crane: Don't feel bad, son. It takes a big man to recognize a bigger man.

Denny Crane: Thank you, Brad, for telling me that. It couldn't have been easy. You're fired.
Brad Chase: What?
Denny Crane: Name on the door. See ya.
[Brad walks out and runs into Shirley]
Brad Chase: He fired me. I'm a partner! He fired me.
Shirley: Brad. The review committee will take care of this. He can't just fire you without consulting the partners!
Brad Chase: Of course he can. He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone.

Denny Crane: That may be, but still...
Shirley: So help me, if you say �It's still your name on the door��, I will shoot you with one of your own guns.

Denny Crane: This is completely disrespectful. You don't come home to papa by suing his government.
Donny Crane: Someone has to, Dad. Our policy is denying thousands of people life-saving medical care, based on the personal religious views of our leader. Nothing says democracy like imperialism.
Denny Crane: Why can't you for once come to town and we just toss the pigskin? That's American.

Denny Crane: Well. Are the rumors true? You have naked photos of Shirley? Awww, come on! What's the big deal? I've had naked photos of Shirley for years. [pulls out a stack of pictures to show Alan]
Alan: Denny? She's asleep in all of these.
Denny Crane: [Denny hands him another photo] Here's one where she woke up. Have you ever seen a beautiful naked woman look that angry?

Denny: ...these aliens in the form of Ann Margaret, took me to their spacecraft, and had sex with me.

Denny: [about Bethany suing Denny] What do you mean she won't drop it?
Claire: She's hurt. My advice is if really want this to go away, you have to apologize and this time make it heartfelt.
Denny: Do you do that?
Claire: Never.

Denny: [deposing an attractive plaintiff] In this last year, would you say you've had more or less sex since your husband died?

Denny: [referring to Lincoln] Seriously, he is a total fairy.

Denny: [to Alan] Here's the thing about rich people Alan - we get whatever we want.

Denny: [to Alan] I don't want to look at you right now.

Denny: [to Alan] We're friends -- and we're sleeping together!