Dr. John Becker: If you and I were the only people on the face of the Earth, that would be the only thing we'd have in common.

Dr. John Becker: Jake, you watch the news last night?
Jake Malinak: How many times do I have to tell you...
Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, stay with me, will you? So they're doing a story about violence in America, and they're interviewing some bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states. Now, does Senator Gomer advocate making guns more difficult to get? No, he blames television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island. Oh great, now I'm out of cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.
Jake Malinak: Why don't you just quit, John? They're taking years off your life
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years where you walk around bitching at the world.
Jake Malinak: As opposed to this whole high-on-life Gandhi thing you've got going on now?

Dr. John Becker: Just when I think God couldn't screw me any further, he gets out the old Black & Decker and twists a little harder!
Margaret: Interesting; you're being persecuted by a God you don't believe in.
Dr. John Becker: That's why he's after me, Margaret.

Dr. John Becker: Know what I hate?
Jake Malinak: Who's got the list?

Dr. John Becker: Look, someone in your department shut down a residential care facility in my neighborhood and threw everyone out into the street. Now I'm here because I want something done about it!
Deputy Secretary: Wow. You sound pretty upset.
Dr. John Becker: Well, I am. You know, I've been on the phone all afternoon calling every city agency I can think of, and all I got was the typical beureaucratic runaround.
Deputy Secretary: Well that's terrible, you shouldn't have been treated like that.
Dr. John Becker: At least you see that.
Deputy Secretary: Well of course I do!
Dr. John Becker: Then you'll help me?
Deputy Secretary: Oh dear no.
Dr. John Becker: ...Well, maybe you didn't understand me...
Deputy Secretary: No, I understood you perfectly. You've discovered a social injustice, and as a concerned citizen you've come to your government to demand some action.
Dr. John Becker: Exactly!
Deputy Secretary: It's not gonna happen. But that look on your face, oh, that took me back! What was that, righteous indignation? I used to feel like that when I first started working here forty-two years ago.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well - you've been in this office forty-two years?
Deputy Secretary: Yeah. Same desk, same fake plant, same window. Doesn't open. None of them do. Otherwise we'd all jump out. But you were saying?
Dr. John Becker: Look, I told you! Either reopen the facility, or make some arrangements to take care of these people!
Deputy Secretary: And I told you, I can't help.
Dr. John Becker: But you're the deputy secretary of social services!
Deputy Secretary: It's just a title.
Dr. John Becker: Dammit! Look, listen - you're in charge here, you're responsible, you work for the city!
Deputy Secretary: You're not listening! I can't help. Nobody can help. That facility is not going to reopen, and I'll tell you why: there is no money! There's no money because the federal government cut taxes, which is all anybody seems to care about anymore. That means less money for the state, which means less money for the city, which means we had to cut services, which means fewer cops, fewer firemen, bad air, bad water and crappy schools which will turn out another generation of voters too stupid and greedy to care about anything else besides cutting taxes! So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem, because there's not a DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!... Where did that come from?

Dr. John Becker: Oh, I'm so glad to see you!
Bob: That's nice, John.
Dr. John Becker: I was talking to the cigarettes.

Dr. John Becker: Since when do you wear glasses?
Linda: I don't.
Dr. John Becker: Then what are those?
Linda: They just look good, they don't do anything.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well, you'd be the expert on that.

Dr. John Becker: Tell me something; what is it about me that makes people think my only purpose on this planet is to help them!?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: The letters "M.D." after your name?

Dr. John Becker: The knuckle-dragging boobs of this country have allowed themselves to be led to slaughter by the hideous forces of evil!
Jake Malinak: Come on, John! You promised me, you promised me you'd stop watching Oprah!
Dr John Becker: It's not Oprah, not this time- but I got my eye on her! You know that burned out building down the block?
Jake Malinak: Er, this is the Bronx, John. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific!

Dr. John Becker: Uh-Linda?
Linda, Lynda: Yes?
Dr. John Becker: I meant Linda.
Linda, Lynda: Yes?
Margaret: You're both named Linda?
Linda, Lynda: Yes.
Dr. John Becker: I just had that creepy feeling I had in medical school watching the cell divide.

Dr. John Becker: Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Its a rubber band.
Dr. John Becker: Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it every time I feel angry.
Jake Malinak: Doesn't that hurt?
Dr. John Becker: Yes.
Jake Malinak: Won't that make you more angry?
Dr. John Becker: Shut up.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.

Dr. John Becker: What's new, Linda?
Linda: A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.
Dr. John Becker: The flower dress?
Linda: No, worse.
Dr. John Becker: The pants with the gold circles?
Linda: No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.
Dr. John Becker: Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.
[walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']

Dr. John Becker: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to think that Linda was right about all that astrology crap.
Margaret: Oh, that's nonsense. Strange things don't happen to you because of the planets or numerology or any of that junk. If your faith in the Lord was as strong as mine, you'd know that. You lead a good life, you'd go to Heaven. If you don't, you suffer the consequences.
Devilish-Looking Man: Excuse me.
Margaret: (takes one look at him) Oh, sweet Jesus. Um, are you a new patient?
Devilish-Looking Man: Yes, I am.
Margaret: And your name is...?
Devilish-Looking Man: I'm known by many names... Jim, James, Jimbo.
Margaret: (to Becker) You take him, I'll get the rat.

Dr. John Becker: [after standing up from witness chair in courtroom] Whether or not I'm a nice guy is not on trial here! Whether or not I'm a good doctor is, and if this court can't tell the difference, then to hell with this court!
Judge Reinhold: Doctor Becker, you are out of order!
Dr. John Becker: [turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order!
Judge Reinhold: [bangs gavel] OK, Pacino! That's it! You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!
Season 4

Hector Lopez: All right, people, give me your money!
Jake Malinak: Does he have a gun?
Chris Connor: No.
Jake Malinak: No.