Dr. John Becker: You know what's killing this country? TV talk shows. I watched one last night. I should've just stuck a fork in my eye. You know, it's like America stepped in something and is scraping it off its shoe directly over my TV set. I'm telling you. Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, they're all broadcasting straight from Hell! When I watched one the other day... I don't even know what the hell it was. Apparently, some guy wanted to be a woman, so he chops it off. Then he decides he likes chicks after all, so he becomes a lesbian. Tell me there's not a wasted step in there somewhere.

Dr. John Becker: You know, I can't help but notice you're acting a little- what's that word you used, Jake? Oh, yeah. Bitchy.
Jake Malinak: I never said that. I agree, but I never said that.

Dr. John Becker: You'd really back over me?
Margaret: Only to put you out of your misery.

Dr. John Becker: You're fine, Jake. Just don't listen to any more of that astrology crap.
Jake Malinak: Yeah, I guess you're right. Although, I am an Ares and she did say that that's a fire sign--
Dr. John Becker: Oh, get out!

Dr. John Becker: You're not gonna believe this. Six o'clock in the morning, somebody knocks on my door.
Linda: That's incredible!
Dr. John Becker: There's more, Linda.
Linda: Oh, good, because that part was really boring.
Dr. John Becker: Anyway, I open the door. There's a guy asking to borrow some underwear.
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Now, Linda.
Linda: That's incredible!

Dr. John Becker: ...everybody at Harvard used to stand in line for days to get into one of his classes
Bob: Who said Harvard students don't know how to party?

Dr. John Becker: [about the music one of his neighbours plays] That's not music, that's a goat sexually molesting some kind of banjo!

Dr. John Becker: [to Margaret while looking at travel brochures] What were you thinking?
[slaps brochures on counter]
Dr. John Becker: Too hot. Too cold. Too stupid. Mexico? What's the point? In a few weeks, they'll all be up here.

Dr. John Becker: Did you ever hear me say that?
Margaret: No, but it certainly sounds like you!

Dr. John Becker: He took special interest in one student. Can you guess who that young man was?
Linda: Who?
Dr. John Becker: Linda, don't be such an idiot. It's me.
Linda: Oh, when you said young it threw me off.

Dr. John Becker: Hey, Hector, how is everything?
Hector Lopez: Well, actually...
Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, I don't really care.

Dr. John Becker: I can't believe you don't remember me!
Prof. Fowler: I tell you one thing... you're becoming impossible to forget!

Dr. John Becker: I never told you to shut up.
Mr. Humphries: You hung up on me once.
Dr. John Becker: So I didn't have to tell you to shut up.

Dr. John Becker: I was going to go along with that astrology crap, but then I looked it up. Mercury doesn't go into retrograde for another three months.
Linda: Wow, that must mean that all the weird stuff that happened here today was nothing but a bunch of unrelated coincidences.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, you got a better explanation?
Linda: Well, if you add up the month, the day and the year, that adds up to 26. You add the two and the six, that's eight. Divide that by four, that's two, which is the number of people here in this room. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Dr. John Becker: I woke up to the fact that as a healthcare professional, its insane for me to go on smoking.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: They raise the price of cigarettes again?
Dr. John Becker: Yeah. $4.50 a pack!