Jack: Just get him [Tracy] back in time for the show. I have a very full plate.
Liz: Really? Is it from that pie place?
Jack: And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show.
Liz: Oh. Ok. Fine. But just to be clear....
Jack: There is no pie!

Jack: Lemon - there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape. You think about that.
Liz: What?! ...Is that Harry and the Hendersons?
Jack: You've seen it?
Liz: This is my life, Jack!

Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
Liz: I'm twelve years younger than you.
Jack: A woman your age then.

Jack: Lemon, I want you to get better because, and I mean this, I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.

Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz: A businesswoman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.

Jack: Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.
Liz: I feel like you've been saving that one.

Jack: Lemon, this is a part of our problem. I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.

Jack: Lemon, what happened? Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleepwalk here?

Jack: Liddy is at a baby leadership conference this week. The timing is perfect.
Tracy: I know what you're doing. The first time I got mugged I didn't leave my room for a week. I hid. But not in a tuxedo. All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions. It made me feel invincible. Like someone who wouldn't get scared and freeze up when they got mugged.
Young Tracy: Perfectly executed Chewbacca sound!

Jack: Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.

Jack: Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman.
Hector Moreda: Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.
Jack: She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.
Hector Moreda: [chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.
Jack: But that's impossible.
Hector Moreda: Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.
Jack: You really think you can pull that off?
Hector Moreda: It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.
Jack: Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.

Jack: Making through a full 24 hours without a single misstep is called Reaganing. The only other people who have ever done it, Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and--no judgment--Saddam Hussein.

Jack: Michael Kors is a friend --- we own a gay racehorse together --- and I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable this winter.

Jack: Moron says what?
Devon: What?
[Jack snickers and closes the phone]
Devon: Moron says what? Jack? ...Jack?

Jack: Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.