Jack: [about C.C.] She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.
[Others begin confessing their secrets.]
Man #1: I gave to NPR last year.
Woman: My children go to public school.
Man #2: I'm gay.
Man #3: I'm black.
C.C.: Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.
Man #1: I murdered my wife.

Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.
Cooter: No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.

Jack: [making lessons DVD] In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice, and then do the opposite.

Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.
Liz: MILF Island?
Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.
Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Jack: Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.
Frank: They knew what a Hot Richard was?

Jack: And Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs and the obese.

Jack: Be a white man. Take credit.

Jack: Certainly you can't be surprised that there's a lot of negative stuff about you out there. Don't you ever Google yourself?
Tracy: Sure, I google myself all the time, like when Angie's not in the mood or I'm alone in a hotel.

Jack: Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.
Conan: I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.
Conan: That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What's the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, Red.

Jack: Congratulations. According to the transitive property, you just defeated Muammar Qaddafi in arm wrestling.

Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?
Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.
Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.
Devon: Yeah? Well you should be.
Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.
Devon: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.
Jack: No, Devon. I don't do that.

Jack: Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes.

Jack: Does it seem weird to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera. Good God, I can see every line and pore on your face.
Liz: Yeah, well my face cream was recalled. Apparently it was killing the lab rats'...Ugh what was it?... brains!

Jack: Every division of the company is reaching out to the middle of the country. Our new mammogram machine is called the "Git 'R Done 2000".