Mr. Carlson: It wasn't really an 'official' fraternity. Mother sort of rented this house for a bunch of us who couldn't get in.

Mr. Carlson: Jennifer, in a little while when I'm happy again because we've made a sale, remind me what's been said about me and by whom. A certain little salesman I know is going to suffer.

Mr. Carlson: Next week I'll just take a little vacation, take Herb and Les with me - maybe Johnny too, you can never tell what he's gonna do...
Andy: Wait a minute, you can't just clear out the station!
Mr. Carlson: Why not? Just bring him here, introduce him to Jennifer, she'll wink at him a few times and he goes home.
Andy: And what if he is a she?
Mr. Carlson: Well then you wink at him.

Mr. Carlson: Well, Herb, what do you think? What we have here is an ad for Soul Suds Shampoo, a shampoo that's exclusively marketed to the hip black customer. Am I right?
Herb: Yes, sir.
Mr. Carlson: Then why are we looking at a picture of this really idiotic-looking white man?
Herb: [into the phone] You call yourselves printers? There were fifty photos of a black guy in a tuxedo holding a bottle of shampoo, and one photo of a white guy barbecuing, and you used the white guy! ... I don't care which photo I marked. I made the mistake and you people were supposed to catch it, that's what I pay you for. Don't you remember? I screw up everything! You should know that if it comes from me, it's wrong!

Mr. Carlson: Where do they go, anyway, Travis?
Andy: What's that, sir?
Mr. Carlson: The donuts. When I eat those suckers, they go straight for my beltline. When you eat them, apparently they turn into hair.

Mrs. Carlson: [to Andy] If you're going to grab me, do it nicely--in the back seat of my Rolls.

Mrs. Carlson: Why Hirsch! This coffee's delicious!!
Hirsch: Umm hmm. That's because we were having a guest, Madame. When it's just you and me, I prepare it a little differently.

Venus: Andy's dating Mrs Carlson!
Andy: Don't tell anybody!
Venus: Andy's not dating Mrs Carlson!
Johnny: Which one, his wife or his mother?
Andy: His mother. What kind of guy do you think I am?
Johnny: Gee, Travis, I don't know!

Venus: Andy, real speed is gone because it killed everybody. Junkies don't even want it back!
Johnny: And once the Republicans got in, everyone just switched to downers!

Venus: Couldn't I have a cosmic name for a boy, like Pluto!
Andy: That's a dog's name.
Venus: Mercury.
Andy: That guy brings flowers. Now listen. What do you think of when you hear the name "Venus?"
Venus: Flytrap.