Josh: Shit hasn't gone this fast since the Passion of the Christ.
Nancy: People got stoned for the Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
Josh: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass. It's a straight up snuff film.

Lupita: Doesn't smell like sage.
Nancy: Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Lupita: I call 911. (Into phone) Hello? Hello?
Silas: Fucking perfect the phone's still dead.
Lupita: (Smacks Silas) You don't say fucking to your mother.

Maggie: Celia, you can't smoke in here.
Celia: Because...?
Big Fun PTA Mom: Second hand smoke kills.
Maggie: Celia, did you bring your muffins?
Celia: I didn't feel like baking.
Maggie: None of us ever feels like baking.
Pam: I love baking.
Maggie: Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.
Celia: Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?
Pam: 18.95.
Celia: I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.
Maggie: So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?
Celia: (Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.

Maggie: Have you all seen these? They are all over the school. And as a Christian, I must say, I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane.
PTA Mom 1: Has anyone talked to the principal about this?
Pam: Who's Chris?

Maggie: Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.
Celia: Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.

Mr. Norman: (In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!
Nurse: Mr. Norman, step back into your line.
Mr. Norman: (towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.
Shane: (from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.
Mr. Norman: (Whiny) ‘It's throbbing, Mom.'
Nancy: Back off, nutty!
Mr. Norman: (Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.
Nancy: I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.
Mr. Norman: (Straightening up) What goat?

Mrs. Elderman: (On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

Nancy Botwin: Maybe black people need to start stealin' a little bit bigger.
Conrad Sheperd: Maybe fuckin' so.

Nancy: (Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...
Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Nancy: Excuse me?
Celia: I think I'd like to try it.
Nancy: With who?
Celia: Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.
Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.
Celia: Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

Nancy: (Sees Shane get knocked down on soccer field) Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!
Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Nancy: All bun?
Conrad: No, uh... hot dog.

Nancy: I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.
Celia: Sorry. I took a lude.
Season 2

Nancy: Not to mention the amount of shit I'm going to get from those Hypochristian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow.

Nancy: Shane, did you shoot the Elderman's cat?
Shane: What! No! I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.
Nancy: Why?
Shane: Because that's what Dad would've done.