Andy Botwin: [about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.
Doug Wilson: How do I do that?
Andy Botwin: You talk to her.
Doug Wilson: Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?
Andy Botwin: About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.
Doug Wilson: She's an orphan?
Andy Botwin: Yeah.
Doug Wilson: Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.

Andy Botwin: [after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.
Maria (Mermex): [to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.

Andy Botwin: [trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.
[Doug Wilson nods in agreement]
Andy Botwin: She's the woman that he's gonna marry.
Doug Wilson: Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

Andy Botwin: What are they teaching you at school?
Shane Botwin: [Sarcastically] Like how to pass the standardised tests to give the school more funding!

Andy: Hey pants
Nancy: Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.

Andy: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Hey, Randy.
Andy: Andy, it's Andy.
Doug: Oh really? I thought... It's not Randy?
Andy: (Andy shakes his head)
Doug: I've always thought of you as a Randy.
Andy: Pretty sure.
Doug: Hmm, wow. Okay.
Andy: Lookin' for Nancy?
Doug: Yeah, I am, is she around?
Andy: No, you can try her cell phone.
Doug: Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?
Andy: Ha, yeah.
Doug: Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.
Andy: That's a strong endorsement.
Doug: It is. Oh... I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?
Andy: That'd be kinda weird
Doug: Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.
Andy: Hey hey hey, spoiler.
Doug: You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.
Andy: Come on in.

Andy: If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market, least we can take a joke

Andy: Know this, Lupita: until you love me, I've got enough love for the both of us.

Andy: Runway?
Doug: You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.
Andy: That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.
Doug: What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.
Andy: It's a taint.
Doug: Runway.
Andy: This is a taint.
Doug: Runway.
Andy: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
Lupita: The coffee table.

Andy: The way I see it is you're in way over your head here. You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. Dealing is a full time job. You need some help, Nancy Pants.
Nancy: Don't call me pants. Judah called me pants, not you.
Andy: Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back.

Andy: Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.
Nancy: ‘Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?
Ms. Greenstein: Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.
Andy: 10 years?
Ms. Greenstein: Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.
Nancy: So, no jail time?
Ms. Greenstein: You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.
Andy: Oh, that's bullshit.
Ms. Greenstein: I don't understand, that's good news.
Andy: I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.
Nancy: They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.
Ms. Greenstein: Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
Nancy: So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?
Ms. Greenstein: That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.
Nancy: What if the marijuana is in baked goods � say, candy or chocolate?
Ms. Greenstein: (Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.
Nancy: What would get their attention?
Andy: If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?
Ms. Greenstein: All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.
Nancy: What about growing?
Ms. Greenstein: Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.
Nancy: Years?
Ms. Greenstein: Probation.
Nancy: So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?
Ms. Greenstein: Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.
Nancy: Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.
Ms. Greenstein: What's your business?
Nancy: I own a bakery.
Ms. Greenstein: Smart cover. Call anytime.

Andy: Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.
Nancy: Please leave.
Andy: I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!
Nancy: I can't do this right now.
Andy: You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.
Nancy: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy: (Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.
Andy: Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.
Nancy: This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.
Andy: Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

Andy: You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.

Celia Hodes: [to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.
Season 5

Celia Hodes: [to her drug rehab group] We're all like one big, wonderful, dysfunctional family, and I love you guys.