Rich: You see a man drowning, you throw him a beer.

Stewardess: Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?
Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."

Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds!
Ken: You're right, I do.
Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.
Titus: Yes, you are!
Ken: All right, I am.
Titus: Stop it!

Titus: Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
Dave: He got to her!
Titus: Dave, she likes me.
Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.

Titus: Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
Dave: Is there something wrong with my sperm?
[Titus glares at Dave.]
Titus: I'm sure of it.

Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.
Tommy: "Integritous"?
Titus: It's a word.

Titus: A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?

Titus: Dad, is there anything I can do?
Ken: See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)
Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--
Ken: I'll name him Ho-John Titus.
Titus: Dad--
Ken: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.
Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?
Ken: (turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?

Titus: Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.
Ken: All right, how much?
Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.
Ken: Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?
Titus: "Numbuts"?
Ken: Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?
Titus: What?
Ken: Five grand.
Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!

Titus: Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.

Titus: Dave, thank God you're not dead!
Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

Titus: Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?

Titus: Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

Titus: Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

Titus: I do a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk.
Erin: I'm in a sack.
Titus And when I'm sober!