Bartlet: Good morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word 'acalculia' means?
Sam: It's the inability to perform arithmetic functions...I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?
Bartlet: Yeah, but I'll get over it.
Sam: Good for you, sir. That's very mature.
Bartlet: Shut up.
Sam: You're not over it yet, are you?

Bartlet: Hans Bethe wrote, "If we fight a war and win it with H-Bombs, what history will remember is not the ideals we were fighting for, but the methods used to accomplish them. These methods will be compared to the warfare of Genghis Khan who brutally killed every last inhabitant of Persia.

Bartlet: Here's another one. Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You're lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out." [audience laughs]
Moderator: Mr. President, do you have time for one more question?
Bartlet: I don't think I answered the last one. Suzanne's got me telling jokes. Here's an answer to your question that I don't think you're going to like: the current crop of 18-25 year olds is the most politically apathetic generation in American history. In 1972, half of that age group voted. In the last election, 32%. Your generation is considerably less likely than any previous one to write or call public officials, attend rallies, or work on political campaigns. A man once said this, "decisions are made by those who show up." So are we failing you, or are you failing us? It's a little of both.

Bartlet: Hey, everybody, listen up - Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!
[Everyone looks horrified]
Josh: Oh God...
Various: [With a noticeable lack of enthusiasm] Great! Great!
Bartlet: [Put out] Okay, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet. [Everyone looks down at the Presidential seal] Now look back up at me. [They do so] Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!
Everyone: [With more convincing forced enthusiasm] That's great! I love chili! Terrific!
Bartlet: There! You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?

Bartlet: I can't dress for this thing without you. Which one screams "dominance"?
Abbey: Do I get to wear it afterwards?
Bartlet: No Comment

Bartlet: I don't need a flu shot.
Morris: You do need a flu shot.
Bartlet: How do I know this isn't the start of a military coup?
Morris: Sir?
Bartlet: I want the Secret Service in here right away.
Morris: In the event of a military coup, sir, what makes you think the Secret Service is gonna be on your side?
Bartlet: Now that's a thought that's gonna fester.

Bartlet: I don't want to intimidate you, but it turns out I'm the first Democrat in twenty years to make a clean sweep of the Plains states. And I'm not just talking about Iowa and Nebraska.
Abbey: Are you trying to turn me on now?
Bartlet: Yeah.
Abbey: All right.
Bartlet: I won the Dakotas, the Badlands, the Black Hills... But let's go down, way down, to the Deep South and the humid bayou of Louisiana and its nine electoral votes. What manner of man it must take to win the state, which, by the way, is the only one operating under the Napoleonic Code of France. And I still don't know what that's all about, but back to me...
Abbey: Hon, this is like, nerd hot talk.
Bartlet: Who's your Commander in Chief?
Abbey: You are.

Bartlet: I find these Cabinet meetings to be a fairly mind-numbing experience, but Leo assures me they are Constitutionally required.

Bartlet: I have a problem.
Josh: Well, you're about to propose the most massive shift in foreign policy since the Marshall Plan and it's going to be wildly unpopular.
Bartlet: All right: two problems.

Bartlet: I hear you're thinking about ophthalmology.
Ellie: Oncology.
Bartlet: Why would you want to study people's feet?
Ellie: That's podiatry.
Bartlet: That's children's medicine.
Ellie: Pediatrics.
Bartlet: I thought it was obstetrics.
Ellie: That's pregnant women.
Bartlet: And what's the study of feet?
Ellie: Dad, you're not going to make me laugh.
Bartlet: The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day.

Bartlet: I like your sass.
CJ: You've got a very nice sass yourself... sir.
Bartlet: What, are you touring?
CJ: I could.

Bartlet: I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.

Bartlet: I love doing this.
Charlie: Really?
Bartlet: Yeah.
Charlie: Filing tax returns?
Bartlet: Yeah.
Charlie: Okay.
Bartlet: What?
Charlie: I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a lever that had your name next to it.
Bartlet: Suckers.

Bartlet: I need you to tell me now: Do you think she's already dead?
Leo: I absolutely do not.
Bartlet: If they show me a picture of her alive and tell me to aim cruise missiles at Tel Aviv, they're counting on the fact that a father--
Leo: But you wouldn't.
Bartlet: I might.
Leo: There are people around you who won't let you.
Bartlet: How about a picture they've got a knife to her throat; get out of Saudi Arabia?
Leo: You shouldn't think of images like that.
Bartlet: All I can think of are images like that...Leo, the people you just named don't have the legal authority to stop me from doing certain things, and some of them would go to jail if they didn't follow my orders. Very quietly, I want you to assemble the Cabinet. I want you to call the Speaker of the House.

Bartlet: I thought when the Soviet Union fell, we could actually have disarmament. You go from trying to get rid of these weapons altogether to holding your breath that one doesn't go off on your watch. Strike another goal off the list.