CJ: Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -
Josh: I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.
CJ: Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.
Josh: [pause] You're...?
CJ: [nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?
Josh: Technically, I outrank you...
CJ: So far up your ass!
Josh: Okay.
CJ: Okay.

CJ: Okay, but I've got to be careful about saying "man."
Toby: Why, because--? Oh, c'mon!
CJ: You'd be surprised. I get letters.
Toby: Fine, "human being," then, or do the other mammals complain?

CJ: One of the hardest things to learn: There are so many true crises, so many lurking situations that could be dangerous for the President, its hard not to get caught up in the adrenaline and make everything lethal. It's more than picking your battles, marshaling your energy. It's about grace under fire. All war metaphors. I guess that's it; being able to tell when its a matter of life or death.

CJ: Overwhelming response to the State of the Union. Thirty-six interruptions for applause.
Bartlet: I don't know what's more embarrassing: that we count them or that I care.

CJ: Say you're from Minnesota.
Toby: I'm from Minnesota.
CJ: No, we're pretending you're from there.
Toby:We're not actually.
CJ: And you'd like prescription drugs from Canada.
Toby: What do I have?
CJ: Not important.
Toby: It could be clouding my judgment.
CJ: You're no fun anymore.
Toby: I'm having fun.

CJ: That was fun! Sanctimonious little guttersnipe sent a great big fat one up and over the plate. Health care reform! From a guy who's still on the fence about the application of leeches!

CJ: That's one way to make the shutdown seem real to the country -- don't mail eleven million checks.
Will: It'd be catastrophic if we don't fix this.
Toby: FDR will rise from the dead?
Will: Millions of angry grandparents are going to march on Washington, burn us in effigy.

CJ: The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.
Toby: I think what he's asking is why, on most other nights, do you think the world's going to hell in a hula hoop, but tonight...
CJ: We dip twice and eat gefilte fish?
Toby: Suzy Creamcheese, do not attempt the Haggadah.
CJ: I know how to bless the soup, too.

CJ: There's no website supporting it?
Toby: And you gotta ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?

CJ: Toby.
Toby: Yeah.
CJ: Is there something you wanted?
Toby: World peace?
CJ: Toby, I'm not protecting you. Go hide from the President somewhere else.

CJ: We're all impressed with how influential you were, particularly when you consider that most of us have never met you! But what I'm most grateful for is the process story, which takes attention from the debate, and focuses it where it belongs, which is the contest. This is the story everyone'll be clamoring for and I like that you're filling that need. And to show my gratitude, I'm calling all the major news outlets and letting them know that I'll be forwarding all your confidential memos to the President, logs of all your calls with him, Secret Service logs of your meetings inside the White House.
Chris: I really pissed you off, huh?
CJ: Don't disrespect Leo McGarry and Bruno Gianelli.

CJ: We've been over this. We need a hard news announcement each and every day or the press runs amok!

CJ: We've certainly come a long way from "Give me your tired, your poor." If we don't allow this defection, if we blithely exploit this young man's ignorance, then I don't know who we are anymore.

CJ: What are you holding?
Danny: It's a goldfish.
CJ: Why?
Danny: It's for you.
CJ: Really?
Danny: Josh said you like goldfish.
CJ: [laughing] The crackers, Danny, the cheese things that you have at a party.
Danny: Oh... Ah... You know what, I'm not a hundred percent sure I was supposed to know that.
CJ:: The crackers, Danny.
Danny: Well, fine, now I got a goldfish.
CJ: [still laughing] Give it to me.
Danny: No, no, no.
CJ: No, you'll kill it.
Danny: You think I can't take care of a goldfish?
CJ: I absolutely do not.
Danny: Her name's Gail, by the way.
CJ: The fish?
Danny: Yeah.
CJ: You named it Gail?
Danny: No, the guy in the store.
CJ: [more laughing] Come here. [Gives Danny a kiss on the cheek] Thanks for the fish.

CJ: What do I need to catch up on?
Toby: The President signed a school vouchers bill for D.C.
CJ: Are you kidding? I leave the building for an hour and he switches parties.