Sophia: [describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?
Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I've got 5 in my pocket, here Dorothy. A lifetime's supply.

Sophia: [in a flashback] Where are you goin'?
Sal: To get some air.
Sophia: We got air in the house.
Sal: I like beer with my air.

Sophia: [referring to the bench] Someone sitting there?
Alvin: Cataracts or glaucoma?

Sophia: [referring to who's buying her breakfast] It's Alvin.
Rose: Alvin from the boardwalk?
Sophia: No Rose, Alvin from The Chipmunks.

Sophia: [Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Remember, on prescriptions, generic is a steal / We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.
Blanche: Depressing.
Dorothy: Awful.
Rose: Stinky.
Sophia: [Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!

Sophia: [to Blanche] You know what I can't stand anymore? That phony accent of yours. What is this, Designing Women?

Sophia: [to Dr. Ashley] I knew you were a quack! If you were a legitimate shrink you would've strung us along for months!

Sophia: [to Marguerite] So what's all this about you putting a curse on my daughter?
Dorothy: [doomed] We're all gonna be turned into kumquats.

Sophia: [translating for Vincenzo] Before we begin, [Vincenzo speaks between each line] let's make one thing clear. I am in charge. I am the boss. I am the master. I Am the Walrus.
Dorothy: Ma, either your Italian is rusty or he's the world's oldest hippie.

Sophia: [upon meeting Blanche's overweight daughter, a former model] What did she model, car covers?

Sophia: Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was torture!
Rose: What was it called, Sophia?
Sophia: I just told you: Torture! Mussolini asked the questions, and you better have the right answers. Things like, "Who do you like better, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler?" And you always had to answer, "Mussolini!" Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!
Dorothy: Come on, Ma, you're making this up.
Sophia: Like hell I did. Goodson-Todman brought it to the United States, changed a few rules and called it Tattletales!

Sophia: Dorothy, I'm in the ladies room, I look in my brassiere. What do you think I find?
Dorothy: Hopefully, what we all find when we look in our brassiere.
Sophia: Please, I haven't been able to find those since I nursed your brother Phil.

Sophia: Drink this. It's a secret potion from the old country, guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Rose: Looks like milk.
Sophia: Trust me, Rose. Drink it, slowly. That's right, down the hatch. [unbeknownst to Rose, Sophia takes a saucepan from the cupboard] We call this Sicilian Sominex. Now, you might feel a slight tingling. But believe me, you'll sleep like a baby. [walks up to Rose from behind and raises saucepan]
Rose: I don't feel any tingling. When's it going to hit me?
[Blanche walks in]
Blanche: Sophia! What are you doin'?
Sophia: [Freezes with the saucepan in her hand] ...I was making a souffle, and it got away from me!

Sophia: Hey girls! How do you like this spiffy little number? [walks into the living room to reveal that she is wearing the same dress that Blanche purchased]
Blanche: Sophia, that's the same dress I got!
Sophia: Well, now you know how it should look.

Sophia: I'm making a scarf for a friend I don't have anymore.
Rose: I know exactly how you feel. [holds up a pair of teddy bear-sized overalls] I made these for Fernando.