Sophia: Is it true what they say about black men in bed?
Blanche: Oh yes definitely...[everybody stares at her] Oh yes. Definitely, that is something I would like to know about too.
Dorothy: Come on Blanche, that's a stereotype.
Trudy: Call it whatever you want, I'm just grateful it's true.

Sophia: Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.
Rose: Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]
Blanche: That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!
Sophia: Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Blanche: Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]
Sophia: What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?
Dorothy: You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Sophia: Sure, you buying?
Dorothy: Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
Sophia: It did once, let's go!

Sophia: Let me tell you girls the three most important things I've learned about life. Number one, hold fast to your friends. Number two, there's no such thing as security. Number three, don't go see Ishtar. Woof! [makes face]

Sophia: Look at this picture of Kessler, Dorothy. There's a secret behind those eyes. Trust my hunch on this one, I'm never wrong.
Dorothy: Oh, come on. Ma, remember your hunch about your nephew Angelo? You said one day he'd be pope!
Sophia: Dorothy, you gotta pay attention! I said one day he'd sell dope! What do you think he went to Attica for? The volleyball program?

Sophia: My name is Sophia Petrillo and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.

Sophia: Picture it! Sicily, 1922. An attractive peasant girl who has saved her lire embarks on a glorious vacation to a Crimean resort on the Black Sea. For weeks, she frolics at the seaside resort and enjoys the company of many young men, all of whom adore her.
Edna: ALL of them?
Sophia: Shut up, Edna, I work alone. All of them. When it's time to return to Sicily, three different suitors beg her to stay. But she can't decide who to choose, so she chooses none of them. But she agrees to meet with them at the same resort many years later. To her trio of suitors, that eventful gathering was referred to as "Rendezvous with Sophia." But to the rest of the world, it was better known as the Yalta Conference.

Sophia: Rose is my daughter now. And you, Dorothy, are the biggest disappointment to hit the streets since the AMC Pacer!

Sophia: Twenty-five grand in 10 seconds? Now I know how Johnny Carson feels!

Sophia: Who's Laszlo?
Rose: He's a Hungarian sculptor we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia: [looking chagrined] In the future, a simple "None of your business, Sophia" will suffice!

Stan: So Blanche, is Ted over here?
Blanche: What?
Stan: Oh I get it, he's in the shower.
Blanche: Stanley, your brother isn't here.
Stan: Come on Blanche. Did you get it with Ted?
Blanche: What?
Stan: You know. Cha-cha-cha, tango,tango,ole, ole
Rose: Nobody here speaks Spanish Stan.
Stan: Oh I got it, right, I can play dumb.
Sophia: Play, you could manage the team.

Stan: [after Sophia opens the door] Hi Sophia. I have a surprise for Dorothy!
Sophia: What? Now that you're off the blood pressure medicine its working again?

Ted: Hello Mrs. Petrillo. I'm Stan's brother, Ted. You remember? We danced together at the wedding?
Sophia: Where were you when they got divorced? I was looking for someone to dance with then.

(Daisy comes over holding Fernando)
Daisy: Hello.
Dorothy: What do you want?
Daisy: Well...I decided that it was wrong to ask for all those gifts.
Blanche: Oh, see, Dorothy? I knew that she was a sensible kid! She just needed-
Daisy: I've decided that cash is better. That way I can buy exactly what I want.
Blanche: ...I'll get my purse.
Rose: No, Blanche, I'm not going to let you do that. I've thought long and hard about this. If after all those years of love and companionship it's time for Fernando and I to part, well...I guess I have to accept that.
(She walks Daisy over to the door, and opens it for her)
Rose: I guess we all learned something here today. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, kiddo.
(She grabs Fernando and hurls Daisy out of the front door, slamming it behind her)

(Sophia sits on Alvin's bench at the boardwalk at night, alone. Dorothy comes up behind her.)
Sophia: He's not coming back, is he?
Dorothy: No, Ma. His daughter took him to a clinic in New York.
Sophia: You think he'll remember me?
Dorothy: I don't know, Ma.
Sophia: I'll remember him.
(They get up and start to walk away)
Sophia: It figures. I just finished the scarf today.
Dorothy: That's nice, Ma! Next time we're in New York, you can stop by and bring it to him.
Sophia: No, I think I'll mail it. That way, I can always think of him as being here.
(A man comes along behind them, takes out a pipe, and sits down on Alvin's bench. Sophia turns and sees him.)
Sophia: Hey! Someone's sitting there!
(The man gets up and hurries away. Dorothy and Sophia slowly walk as the camera pans up on the empty bench.)

[A flashback scene. Blanche and Rose have just crawled into Dorothy's bed, where Dorothy is studying for an exam. Enter Sophia]
Sophia: Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!
Rose: The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.
Dorothy: Scared? Of what?
Blanche: Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.
Dorothy: Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.
Sophia: They're not very nice, they eat dogs.
Dorothy: Ma, they do not eat dogs!
Sophia: Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.
Dorothy: Ma, you made that up.
Rose: Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.
Dorothy: Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!
Blanche: Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!
Sophia: It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
Dorothy: I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!
Rose: You mean you're kicking us out?
Dorothy: Rose, I have to study!
Sophia: That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.
Blanche: I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!
Dorothy: And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!
Sophia: That's it, everybody out!
Blanche: Sophia, we're scared!
Sophia: I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!