Rose: I wonder why Italian men are so romantic.
Dorothy: It's the tight pants, Rose.

Rose: I'll be fine.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche, she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.

Rose: I'm a very patient person. I once waited two whole weeks for a sty to go away. Every night I'd close my eyes and I'd picture it getting smaller and smaller, and one morning I woke up and it was gone!
[Sophia leans back against the refrigerator with her eyes closed]
Dorothy: Ma, you okay?
Sophia: I'm fine. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

Rose: I'm sure it isn't a heart attack. A heart attack's bigger. I've seen a heart attack. Charlie had a heart attack.
Dorothy: And it wasn't like this?
Rose: Oh, it was much worse.
Dorothy: I think the paramedics would get here!
Rose: Charlie made me dress him when he had his heart attack, before the paramedics got here.
Dorothy: But he wasn't dressed?
Rose: We were... making love.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, honey, you never told me. He died while you were making love?
Rose: Well, he didn't die then, he had his heart attack then. And, he told me to dress him.
Dorothy: And?
Rose: And I dressed him. And then we had a fight. I grabbed a pair of white pants, and I was putting it on him, and Charlie said it was after Labor Day and he couldn't wear white!
Dorothy: In the middle of a heart attack?
Rose: Oh, Charlie was very stubborn. And very dapper.
Dorothy: And, then what happened?
Rose: ...And he...told me he loved me...and then it was over. And I put a pair of gray flannel pants on him. And a blue shirt...and a striped tie. And he was all dressed when the paramedics got there.

Rose: Is there anything else we can get you, Sophia? A little tea, perhaps?
Sophia: I'm not in England, I'm having a heart attack!

Rose: It wasn't a rat! It was a cute little mouse.
Dorothy: Rose, it doesn't wear white gloves and work at Disneyland! We're talking about a rodent!

Rose: It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset.
Dorothy: Rose, Rose, honey, sit down sweetheart, tell us all about it. Ma, would you get Rose some water?
Sophia: What is she going to do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say: 'Thank God, the water's here'? Call me when dinner is ready.

Rose: My granddaughter wants to be an astronaut.
Charley: Not really, grandma. I just want to meet boys who want to be astronauts.
Blanche: Me too!

Rose: Nils Feelander attempted to harass me repeatedly.
Blanche: What do you mean, he attempted to?
Rose: He worked at Lars Eriksson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop, he was the soda jerk. Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. Every Saturday afternoon I'd go in and have a sundae. Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. I could never prove it, because by the time I would take it home to show my father, the evidence had...
Dorothy, Blanche: Melted.
Rose: Yeah. To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush!

Rose: Oh Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard noise, I thought it was robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels.
Sophia: Thank God, because I can't find them.

Rose: Oh Sophia, I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...
Sophia: Excuse me Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?

Rose: Oh, no, Blanche has been attacked!
Blanche: Sort of.
Rose: Oh, honey, what happened? You poor darling.
Blanche: I went to the police station today to get an update on my case. I borrowed your pocket hair spray; I took it from your dressing table. You know what this humidity does to my hair.
Rose: I know. Cotton candy.
Blanche: Well, just as I entered the police station, I saw there was this cute officer there who had his eye on me, so I took out your hair spray and gave my hair a final spritz. Only, surprise, it wasn't hair spray. It was mace. You had mace. Your hair spray was mace! I maced myself right there in the police station! I almost died! I fell to the floor, blinded, writhing in pain. Couldn't move for 20 minutes!
Rose: Well, what do you know? It works!
Blanche: Works? They thought I was on angel dust! They wanted to arrest me! I'm lying there, dying, and they're harassing me! Murderers are free, rapists are free, but a poor widow on the floor, they try to lock up! Who'd I hurt? Me?!

Rose: Sit down, Sophia. You must be exhausted.
Sophia: Why? I rode in the cab, I didn't push it!

Rose: Sophia, do you think it's wrong for a girl to sleep with a man she's only known a few hours?
Sophia: It's a sin.
Rose: See! Sophia agrees with me.
Sophia: All I said was it's a sin. Personally I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if His Holiness gave that one the green light.

Rose: The doctor says it's the first time he's ever been called because a baby was sleeping in the day. And then I think he called me an idiot.