Ted: Hello Mrs. Petrillo. I'm Stan's brother, Ted. You remember? We danced together at the wedding?
Sophia: Where were you when they got divorced? I was looking for someone to dance with then.

Virginia: [about her and Blanche's other sister Charmaine] She never could help Mama because she had heart flutters and she never could take gym class, no, because she had a tipped uterus and she never did any housework because she had a spastic colon. Now, she has attached kidneys.
Blanche That girl is some kind of mutant.

Woman: [delivering a heatfelt eulogy at Mrs. Claxton's funeral] Yes, Celia Rubinstein loved all mankind! She was...
Dorothy: WHO?!
Woman: Celia Rubenstein.
Blanche: This funeral isn't for Celia Rubenstein, it's for Frieda Claxton!
Mr. Pfeiffer: The Rubenstein funeral is down the hall.
Woman: Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for the intrusion! ...Frieda Claxton, wasn't she the lady who lived in that old house on Richmond Street?
Blanche: Yes.
[The woman gives the coffin a good kick and then leaves the chapel]

(Daisy comes over holding Fernando)
Daisy: Hello.
Dorothy: What do you want?
Daisy: Well...I decided that it was wrong to ask for all those gifts.
Blanche: Oh, see, Dorothy? I knew that she was a sensible kid! She just needed-
Daisy: I've decided that cash is better. That way I can buy exactly what I want.
Blanche: ...I'll get my purse.
Rose: No, Blanche, I'm not going to let you do that. I've thought long and hard about this. If after all those years of love and companionship it's time for Fernando and I to part, well...I guess I have to accept that.
(She walks Daisy over to the door, and opens it for her)
Rose: I guess we all learned something here today. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, kiddo.
(She grabs Fernando and hurls Daisy out of the front door, slamming it behind her)

(Sophia sits on Alvin's bench at the boardwalk at night, alone. Dorothy comes up behind her.)
Sophia: He's not coming back, is he?
Dorothy: No, Ma. His daughter took him to a clinic in New York.
Sophia: You think he'll remember me?
Dorothy: I don't know, Ma.
Sophia: I'll remember him.
(They get up and start to walk away)
Sophia: It figures. I just finished the scarf today.
Dorothy: That's nice, Ma! Next time we're in New York, you can stop by and bring it to him.
Sophia: No, I think I'll mail it. That way, I can always think of him as being here.
(A man comes along behind them, takes out a pipe, and sits down on Alvin's bench. Sophia turns and sees him.)
Sophia: Hey! Someone's sitting there!
(The man gets up and hurries away. Dorothy and Sophia slowly walk as the camera pans up on the empty bench.)

[A flashback scene. Blanche and Rose have just crawled into Dorothy's bed, where Dorothy is studying for an exam. Enter Sophia]
Sophia: Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!
Rose: The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.
Dorothy: Scared? Of what?
Blanche: Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.
Dorothy: Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.
Sophia: They're not very nice, they eat dogs.
Dorothy: Ma, they do not eat dogs!
Sophia: Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.
Dorothy: Ma, you made that up.
Rose: Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.
Dorothy: Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!
Blanche: Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!
Sophia: It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
Dorothy: I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!
Rose: You mean you're kicking us out?
Dorothy: Rose, I have to study!
Sophia: That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.
Blanche: I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!
Dorothy: And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!
Sophia: That's it, everybody out!
Blanche: Sophia, we're scared!
Sophia: I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!

[A flashback scene. Blanche is trying to convince Dorothy, who is sick, to go on a double date the two had agreed on.]
Dorothy: Blanche, PLEASE! My body aches!
Blanche: Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go on this date.

[about Sophia moving out]
Rose: Who's going to keep after us? Make us linguine and tell us stories about Sicily?
Dorothy: I don't know, Rose. Maybe Mary Poppins has an Italian cousin.

[After an emotional Blanche runs into her bedroom, Dorothy and Rose run after her]
Rose: She's in there!
Dorothy: Really, Columbo?

[after Stan leaves]
Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: Because he knocked you up!
Dorothy: Why did I let that happen?
Sophia: Because he got you drunk!
Dorothy Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia: Beats the hell out of me!

[after the robbery]
Blanche: Oh, I'm gonna check the kitchen.
Rose: Well, wait! Don't leave me! What'll I do if they come back?
Dorothy: Show them your slides of Hawaii.

[Big Daddy announces his engagement, and Blanche lets out a scream]
Big Daddy: [about Blanche] Is she happy or sad?
Rose: I'm not sure. I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy: I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

[Blanche and Dorothy are role-playing to rehearse Dorothy's plan to invite Frank over for dinner, Blanche as Dorothy and Dorothy as Frank.]
Blanche: Why Frank, you know, I've been thinkin', this is the third Saturday of our relationship and I don't even know what you like to eat. Why don't you come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what [breathy and seductively] whets your appetite?
Dorothy: And what are you serving for dessert, Blanche, penicillin?

[Blanche and Rose are on the couch watching an I Love Lucy marathon. Ending music plays.]
Rose: You know, I'm still a little confused. Who exactly is Ricky?
Blanche: Lucy's husband.
Rose: I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.
Blanche: Not on the show.
Rose: Desi wasn't on the show?
Blanche: Desi played Ricky!
Rose: Who did Lucy play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: I know, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy!
Rose: Right, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy played Lucy!
Rose: Well, then why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche: He wasn't tall enough.

[Blanche compares herself to one of "Charlie's Angels"]
Blanche: I once was told I bore a striking resemblence to Miss Cheryl Ladd ... although my bosoms are perkier!
Dorothy: Not even if you were hanging upside-down on a trapeze!