The Golden Girls quotes
465 total quotesRose: You're dumping your own mother?
Dorothy: Faster than CBS dumped Jimmy the Greek.
Dorothy: Faster than CBS dumped Jimmy the Greek.
Rose: You're the one who always complains that her birthday parties are dull and boring. When I saw Mr. Ha Ha's advertised on television, it looked like fun.
Dorothy: For a five year old, Rose. Or someone who thinks like one!
Dorothy: For a five year old, Rose. Or someone who thinks like one!
Rose: [The robbers] were probably looking for drugs.
Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. And how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?
Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. And how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?
Security System Salesman: So those are the facts, ladies. It's not a pretty picture. One out of every three people will be the victim of a violent crime.
Rose: That's awful!
Salesman: And since there are four of you, that means at least one of you will be a victim... [pauses for emphasis] ...of a violent crime. One of you right here, gcchk! [makes slicing motion across his throat with his finger]
Rose: And I read that one out of every three people will get cancer! Well, that means one of us will get cancer, so that takes care of two of us!
Rose: That's awful!
Salesman: And since there are four of you, that means at least one of you will be a victim... [pauses for emphasis] ...of a violent crime. One of you right here, gcchk! [makes slicing motion across his throat with his finger]
Rose: And I read that one out of every three people will get cancer! Well, that means one of us will get cancer, so that takes care of two of us!
Sophia [Vincenzo gives Sophia instructions on who does what]
Dorothy, you'll hold the window in place.
Rose will do the hammering.
Blanche you'll do the screwing...and he came up with that one on his own, I swear.
Dorothy, you'll hold the window in place.
Rose will do the hammering.
Blanche you'll do the screwing...and he came up with that one on his own, I swear.
Sophia: [about Dorothy's joke] Just because you have a chin doesn't mean you're Jay Leno.
Sophia: [after Rose fires her gun and shatters Blanche's vase] I manage to live 80, 81 years. I survived pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night I'll belch and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!
Sophia: [angrily, after the girls choose Mama Celeste's pizza over hers in a taste test] You can't pick men and you can't pick pizza!
Sophia: [crawling between Dorothy and Stan in bed] Stanley, think of me as the Berlin Wall! Try to climb over me, and you'll know what barbed wire between your legs feels like!
Sophia: [describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?
Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I've got 5 in my pocket, here Dorothy. A lifetime's supply.
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?
Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I've got 5 in my pocket, here Dorothy. A lifetime's supply.
Sophia: [in a flashback] Where are you goin'?
Sal: To get some air.
Sophia: We got air in the house.
Sal: I like beer with my air.
Sal: To get some air.
Sophia: We got air in the house.
Sal: I like beer with my air.
Sophia: [in confessional at church] I'm not here to confess, Father, I did that a day and a half ago. At my age, how much can I sin? What, I had an impure thought? I'd kill to have an impure thought. But that would be two sins. But now I'm telling you your business. Let me get to the real point of my visit. It's about you and my daughter. I know everything, and frankly, I'm not thrilled.
[Cut to inside the confessional. Sophia thinks the priest she is talking to is Frank, but it's actually a different priest. The priest inside the confessional looks horrified.]
Sophia: Of course, if you want to break your mother's heart and leave the priesthood, that's between you and the Vatican. But there are a few things you should know about Dorothy before you get carried away.
Deacon: [outside confessional] So, Frank, have you made your decision?
Frank: I think I can serve God and the Church better as a teaching priest at St. Helen instead of a parish priest here.
Deacon: Well, we're gonna miss you around here.
Sophia: [inside confessional, still thinking she is talking to Frank] Look, I know priests are men and they have urges. What is it, lust? It'll pass. I do without, you get used to it. Get cable TV.
[Cut to inside the confessional. Sophia thinks the priest she is talking to is Frank, but it's actually a different priest. The priest inside the confessional looks horrified.]
Sophia: Of course, if you want to break your mother's heart and leave the priesthood, that's between you and the Vatican. But there are a few things you should know about Dorothy before you get carried away.
Deacon: [outside confessional] So, Frank, have you made your decision?
Frank: I think I can serve God and the Church better as a teaching priest at St. Helen instead of a parish priest here.
Deacon: Well, we're gonna miss you around here.
Sophia: [inside confessional, still thinking she is talking to Frank] Look, I know priests are men and they have urges. What is it, lust? It'll pass. I do without, you get used to it. Get cable TV.
Sophia: [interrupting Rose's conversation with Charley] Are you two coming? The spaghetti is getting cold!
Rose: We'll be there in a minute, Sophia. We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.
Sophia: I hope the kid can help ya. You wear more rouge than Miss Piggy.
Rose: We'll be there in a minute, Sophia. We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.
Sophia: I hope the kid can help ya. You wear more rouge than Miss Piggy.
Sophia: [on Tony] He's the best catch in town! He's got his own hair, his own teeth, and a totally unrestricted driver's license. Hey, at my age, that's like dating Tom Cruise!