Rose: Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house?
Sophia: [opens her coat with her back to camera] You tell me, Rose! [walks off]
Dorothy: Ma!
Rose: Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?

Rose: The doctor says it's the first time he's ever been called because a baby was sleeping in the day. And then I think he called me an idiot.

Rose: The name Madonna doesn't really fit her.
Sophia: "Slut" would be better!
Rose: Sophia!
Dorothy: Oh, please, please! She did things on that stage I never did with my husband!

Rose: This is like "The Long Day's Journey Into Light".
Dorothy: [correcting her] Night, Rose.
Rose: [heading to her room] Night, Dorothy.

Rose: We really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.
Laszlo: I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
Rose: Oh, we sure were, especially Dorothy. She even talked about taking up sculpting.
Laszlo: Really?
Dorothy: [laughing] Oh no, I didn't.
Rose: Yes you did! You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime!
Dorothy: [laughing, taking Rose's hand] Rose is such a kidder! [She squeezes Rose's hand so hard that Rose falls to the ground in pain]

Rose: We wanted to get the best corner before Johnny No-Thumbs shows up with his lunch wagon.
Dorothy: Johnny No-Thumbs ?
Rose: Well actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand. It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero. [heads for the door]
Dorothy: Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs? Are you crazy? He's probably connected with the mob!
Sophia: Relax! If they were his friends, he'd still have his thumbs! [opens the front door]
Rose: He's a very sweet man, although the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.

Rose: Well, let me give you a little friendly advice - you're wasting your time, because that $1,000 prize is going to be mine. When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.
Dorothy: How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part? [she and Blanche crack up]

Rose: What a day. One sad person after another.
Dorothy: Rose, you work at grief counseling. What do you expect, comedians?

Rose: What are you doing?
Blanche: I am contouring my eyebrows. I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide because we have exactly the same bone structure. I just hope she doesn't let herself go to pot after that baby comes. I don't want that big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.
Rose: I never do very much with my eyebrows.
Blanche: That's why from the nose up, you look like Wilford Brimley.

Rose: When Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO Club, and that's where I first met Eddie, the Aqua Midget.
Blanche: He was a blue midget?
Rose: Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a stepladder into this gigantic punch bowl.
Dorothy: So, um, what happened?
Rose: Nothing, he'd just swim to the side and hop out...
Dorothy: I mean, uh, what happened between you and Eddie?
Rose: We talked a lot between shows, and, of course, I didn't realize it, but he was falling for me.
Blanche: Didn't have far to fall.
Rose: It started with little things...
Blanche: I bet. [she and Dorothy crack up]
Rose: Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I tried to let him down gently.
Blanche: You tried to make it short and sweet? [she and Dorothy laugh again]
Rose: He just wouldn't take no for an answer, so I finally just had to tell him straight out that I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size, it was just that I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.
Dorothy: [trying not to laugh] Thank you, Rose. I, I don't know what to say. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Rose: Where are you going?
Sophia: The President is in town, so a bunch of us are going to his hotel to see his wife. I just loved her in Father Knows Best.
Rose: Sophia, you're a little confused, honey. That was Jane Wyatt, the President was married to Jane Wyman.
Sophia: That old crow from Falcon Crest ?
Rose: Well, it doesn't matter, they're not married anymore. Now he's married to Nancy Davis.
Sophia: From All About Eve?
Rose: That's Bette Davis.
Sophia: The one who beat her kids with wire hangers?
Rose: No, that was Joan Crawford.
Sophia: The fat cop from Highway Patrol?
Rose: [thinks] That was Broderick Crawford.
Sophia: The President was married to Broderick Crawford? And Mondale still lost, what an idiot!

Rose: Why would [Virginia] need a kidney?
Dorothy: TO FEED THE CAT, ROSE!

Rose: You know Dorothy, I just thought of something. Lorraine's family's gonna be black too, aren't they?
Dorothy: Yes Rose. You know, you could probably make them feel welcome if you do your version of that dance that the Huxtable's do at the beginning of The Cosby Show.

Rose: You know that promotion I'm up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, honey, don't do that! No job is worth having to date women!
Dorothy: Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
Blanche: [laughing] Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?

Rose: You know, sometimes when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape.
Sophia: Dorothy's father used to do that. Unfortunately it was usually during foreplay.
Dorothy: Ma, the man is dead.
Sophia: Longer than you think.