Rose: My granddaughter wants to be an astronaut.
Charley: Not really, grandma. I just want to meet boys who want to be astronauts.
Blanche: Me too!

Rose: My uncle Lester only had one tooth and he could eat corn on the cob...Course he didn't actually get a lot of it into his mouth. So they'd cream what fell on his pants and he'd eat it later.

Rose: Nils Feelander attempted to harass me repeatedly.
Blanche: What do you mean, he attempted to?
Rose: He worked at Lars Eriksson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop, he was the soda jerk. Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. Every Saturday afternoon I'd go in and have a sundae. Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. I could never prove it, because by the time I would take it home to show my father, the evidence had...
Dorothy, Blanche: Melted.
Rose: Yeah. To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush!

Rose: Oh darn, I forgot something.
Blanche: Go in your pajamas!
Rose: No, it's not that, I forgot to say my prayers.
Dorothy: Oh Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night! He's very busy these days, most of his spare time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.

Rose: Oh Dorothy, I'm glad you're here. Meet Mr. Terrific.
Dorothy: Oh, Mr. Terrific. Meet Mrs. Severely Depressed.

Rose: Oh Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard noise, I thought it was robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels.
Sophia: Thank God, because I can't find them.

Rose: Oh Sophia, I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...
Sophia: Excuse me Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?

Rose: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche: I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.

Rose: Oh, no, Blanche has been attacked!
Blanche: Sort of.
Rose: Oh, honey, what happened? You poor darling.
Blanche: I went to the police station today to get an update on my case. I borrowed your pocket hair spray; I took it from your dressing table. You know what this humidity does to my hair.
Rose: I know. Cotton candy.
Blanche: Well, just as I entered the police station, I saw there was this cute officer there who had his eye on me, so I took out your hair spray and gave my hair a final spritz. Only, surprise, it wasn't hair spray. It was mace. You had mace. Your hair spray was mace! I maced myself right there in the police station! I almost died! I fell to the floor, blinded, writhing in pain. Couldn't move for 20 minutes!
Rose: Well, what do you know? It works!
Blanche: Works? They thought I was on angel dust! They wanted to arrest me! I'm lying there, dying, and they're harassing me! Murderers are free, rapists are free, but a poor widow on the floor, they try to lock up! Who'd I hurt? Me?!

Rose: Sit down, Sophia. You must be exhausted.
Sophia: Why? I rode in the cab, I didn't push it!

Rose: So Becky, what brings you to Miami?
Sophia: My guess is a small barge!

Rose: Sophia did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy: No Rose, she's dropping off a manicotti with a file in it.

Rose: Sophia, are you busy?
Sophia: Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.
Rose: Why?
Sophia: I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!
Rose: I have a problem.
Sophia: All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.
Rose: No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!
Sophia: Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?
Rose: He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!
Sophia: That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.
Blanche: [rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?
Sophia:I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
Dorothy:[enters] Ma, I have a problem.
Sophia: Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?
Dorothy: Yes.
Sophia: Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!
Blanche: Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?
Sophia: It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
Rose: What happened to it, Sophia?
Sophia: Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!
Dorothy: Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?
Sophia: Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy all nod]

Rose: Sophia, do you think it's wrong for a girl to sleep with a man she's only known a few hours?
Sophia: It's a sin.
Rose: See! Sophia agrees with me.
Sophia: All I said was it's a sin. Personally I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if His Holiness gave that one the green light.

Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty uniform you're wearing?
Sophia: No, Rose, I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!