Mr. Allen: [Dorothy introduces him to her mother] Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Petrillo. What brings you to our humble home?
Sophia: Is he gay?
Dorothy: Uh, come on, honey, I'll walk you to the car.
Mr. Allen: Goodbye, Mrs. Petrillo. Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition - a magnificent pair of Gauguins.
Sophia: What are you, a pervert?!! I was married for 45 years, I never even saw my husband's gauguins!

Mr. Ha Ha: Come on, kids. Make a wish and blow out the candles. [the kids and Dorothy blow out the candles] I hope everybody gets what they wished for.
Dorothy: Do you really, Mr. Ha Ha? [holds up the cake]
Mr. Ha Ha: Dorothy, if I were you, I would put the cake down. You see, Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer.

Mr. Ha Ha: Get up on stage, Dorothy!
Dorothy: Get bent, Ha-Ha!

Mr. Ha Ha: Well, it says here on my Ha Ha birthday list that Bobby is seven, Jeannie is nine, and Dorothy is...
Dorothy: I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha!
Mr. Ha Ha: ...Dorothy is the oldest!

Patrick: [auditioning Blanche for the play] Please reconsider, Josie. You're the prettiest girl in the county. I need to have your answer now. What's it gonna be?
Blanche: [throwing back her arms to embrace Patrick] I want you to TAKE ME, BIFF!
[The inflatable breasts Blanche is wearing under her shirt pop, and the sound of air leaking out of them is heard. Dorothy and Rose look on in shock.]
Patrick: I'm afraid I popped your bosom!
Blanche: Don't you worry 'bout a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.

Patrick: Now Rose, there's been something I've wanted to ask you all day...
Rose: [referring to her breasts] Mine are real!
Patrick: ...That's not what I wanted to ask you, but that is good to know.

Police Officer: Where are your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?
Sophia: They're not here.
Dorothy: MA!!!!
Sophia: Don't "Ma" me, you cheap floozy!
Dorothy: Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood?!
Sophia: You'll get over it, Dorothy. And if you don't, who cares?! I'm on my way to see Burt Reynolds!
[Sophia walks out of the police station triumphantly clutching the tickets in her hand, while Rose, Blanche and Dorothy cry out to her from their cell]

Rebecca: Mama offered to drive us over to Vero Beach to see the Dodgers play. Jeremy's a big baseball fan.
Jeremy: Becky's a bigger one. Becky's a bigger everything.
Dorothy: Not everything, Jeremy.

Rebecca: Oh, I hate these moments.
Blanche: Me too. I never did learn how to say goodbye.
Rose: Oh, there are so many ways to say farewell. Auf wiedersehen, arrivederci, adiós, hasta luego...
Dorothy: Get lost.
Rose: See, there's another one. Good, Dorothy!

Rick: [about having to share a bathroom with the girls] How do you think we feel having to gargle next to Grandma Moses and the Mosettes?
Rose: You, you, you rude person!
Dorothy: Go easy on him Rose.

Rose and Dorothy's "Miami, Miami (You've Got Style)" song:
[Rose:] I have to say what I feel
[Dorothy:] Miami has so much appeal
[Rose:] A great place to get a seafood meal]
[Both:] Miami...
Miami, Miami, you've got style
Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile
When you live in this town, each day is so fine
The coldest of winters are warm and divine
Miami, Miami, you've got style
Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile
There's golf clubs and nightclubs all within reach
Dance the samba till morning, then lie on the beach
Each view is a postcard, each day a great time
It's the cream of the crop, it's the top of the line
[Blanche and Sophia join in:] Miami, Miami, you've got style
Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile
Miami... you've got style!!!

Rose: 'What kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man. They could have a child! [Blanche looks at her strangely] ...They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei Ling's coming out party... [pauses as Blanche looks exasperated] ...Dorothy's having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck that Dorothy's husband, Dr. Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club. Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei Ling? Hasn't she suffered enough?
Blanche: Not as much as I have listening to that story.
Rose: Forget the story. You have to tell Dorothy, she's your friend!
Blanche: You're right, she is my best friend.
Rose: I thought I was your best friend!
Blanche: You were until you told me that story.

Rose: [about Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.
Dorothy: The actor or the sausage?

Rose: [about Blanche] Wherever she goes, she finds a man!
Sophia: So do hookers.

Rose: [about Martha, a new neighbor] I followed her through the store and wrote down everything she bought.
Dorothy: Rose, they steal jewels, not Gino's Pizza Rolls!