Frieda Claxton: [to Blanche] Oh yeah, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
Blanche: I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton: With my binoculars I have a terrific view of your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche: Why you miserable old... [Dorothy grabs Blanche as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]
Dorothy: Now Blanche, let's try to get along. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me, Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy: Why you miserable old... [Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges at Mrs. Claxton]

Greta: Honey, it's just a phase! Ever since Diana Ross started marrying white men, everyone's gotta have one!
Sophia: [Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, of African American decent] What is this, a revival of A Raisin in the Sun ?
Michael Zbornak: Grandma, this is my fianceƩ, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.
Sophia: Oh, wait-wait-wait-wait-wait... This is your fianceƩ?
Michael Zbornak: Yep, that's right.
Sophia: You couldn't find someone your own age?
Greta: What is that supposed to mean?
Sophia: No offense, but it means your daughter's been around the block more times then a Good Humor man!
Greta: [turns to her sister] Hold my purse - those are fightin' words!
Rose: Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John'?
Greta: [turns to Dorothy] Is she for real?
Dorothy: Yep - frightening isn't it?

Guy: For another 100 points, Complete this famous saying: "Better Late Than..."
[Blanche rings in]
Guy: Blanche.
Blanche: Pregnant!
Guy: That's incorrect, but certainly not untrue.

Guy: For another 100 points, Who is the current Secretary of State?
[Willard rings in]
Guy: Willard?
Willard: Charles Schulz.
Dorothy: He created Peanuts!
Willard: I thought that was George Washington Carver.
Dorothy: [scoldingly] Willard, don't ever touch your buzzer again.

Harry: [to Sophia] You must be Blanche's sister.
Sophia: You must be blind!

Isaac: I was wondering where the party got to.
Dorothy: Isaac, this is the ladies' room! This is where ladies go to the bathroom.
Isaac: [looking at a large sofa that resembles a toilet] Whoa, how do you lift this baby up? I guess you have to stand back when you flush this thing.

Lily: [holds up a pink dress] Do you see this dress, Rose? It's my favorite.
Rose: It's awfully pretty.
Lily: It's my favorite because it's the only one I can clearly remember. I remember what it looks like, and I remember what it looks like on me, and because of that I wear it all the time!
Rose: You'll adjust...
Lily: I don't want to adjust! I want to be the person that I used to be!
Rose: But you have to face the truth, you need help! Now you can deal with it, but you can't do it all by yourself!
Lily: [crying] Rose, all my life I've done everything I wanted to do, nothing's ever stood in my way before. For the past six months that's how I've been trying to deal with everything! I thought that I could overcome this thing by myself! I guess that deep down inside I thought I could make it go away. But I can't. Every morning when I wake up it's still there, and that terrifies me! Rose, I do need your help. That's why I came to Miami, to ask you to come home with me! Oh Rose, please come home with me! I can't make it by myself! [Lily and Rose embrace as Lily sobs]

Lily: Girls, I'm feeling a little chilly. I think I'll go and get my sweater.
Rose: Oh, no, I'll get that, I'll get that for you.
Lily: Oh, Rose, for heaven sakes, I can find my own way. [the girls frantically move all the boxes from her path] I know you're trying to help, but if I could pilot my own plane cross-country during a storm, I can certainly find my way across the room! [reaches the hallway, turns to face the girls] There. Now, do you see that I don't need anybody's help?

Lucy: I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
Rose: Don't be silly.
Dorothy: We enjoyed having you.
Sophia: So did half of Miami.

Madame Zelda: Mrs. Devereaux, you must leave this house at once. It is possessed by an evil spirit.
Blanche: Actually, it's possessed by Miami Federal. And at 7%, you couldn't blast me out of here.
Season 2

Madame Zelda: Was a young woman in a nurse's uniform murdered in this house with a handsaw?
Blanche: Heavens, no!
Madame Zelda: Are you sure? I'm getting a strong vibration. I see a woman in a white uniform, writhing and screaming. And there's a man kneeling over her.
Blanche: Well, if it was last Wednesday, that was me and the gentleman I'm currently dating. But that was a French maid's uniform.

Man: [in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?
Dorothy: Have we met?
Man: Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."
Dorothy: Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.
Man: That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.
Dorothy: So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---
Man: Toto.
Dorothy: ---Mr. Toto?
Man: Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
Rose: Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]
Dorothy: Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!
Rose: So what?
Dorothy: So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
Man: Is that signed "Doug"?
Dorothy: Yes.
Man: I know him; he's a sick man.
Dorothy: [showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.
[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]
Dorothy: Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!
Sophia: [walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!
Dorothy: [mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.
[Another man enters through the open door after the priest leaves and walks up to Rose]
Man #2: [to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!
Rose: Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.
Man #2: [to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
Dorothy: How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!
Man #2: Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!
[Dorothy throws Man #2 out of the house. Enter Blanche]
Blanche: Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!

Marguerite: [after the girls discover what purports to be a charm placed under Dorothy's bed to help her sleep] I was just trying to be helpful. I figured with those terrible bags, you needed the rest.
Rose: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche: Besides, it would take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies.
Dorothy: Listen, I have an idea; why don't you all take turns hitting me with a two-by-four?

Marguerite: Alright, I won't go on with this charade any longer... there is something else -- I'm black. If that's a problem for you, I'm white. Of course that will cost you extra.
Dorothy: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose: [while Blanche is sitting next to them] Neither do Dorothy and I.

Michael: [caught in bed with Bridget] Grandma, this isn't what it looks like!
Sophia: Please! I'm eighty years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like!