Matt: What are you writing about, Martha?
Martha: I don't know yet. I know that half this country hates the other half, and I know that, for 90 minutes a week, you and Harriet come together.

Matt: You know, I remember a few days after the mega phone thing at ground zero I was at the Writers' Guild and people were talking about what a seminal moment that was, and while people were talking about what a great leader he had become in that moment I was thinking, "Gee, what I saw was a guy getting an alley-oop pass from a heckler." A guy from off camera shouted, 'we can't hear you' and Bush shouted back, 'well I can hear you and soon the people that knocked these towers down will hear all of us.' Not a bad come back, but, it didn't strike me as a Saint Crispen's Day speech or anything. But I didn't say anything because I was scared and I've been scared for 5 weeks and that's too long for a grown man.

Reporter: Jordan, can you describe the reaction of NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as "a candy-assed network" and "a greed-filled whorehouse of a network"?
Jordan: Pleased and proud, as you can imagine. Until we realized he wasn't talking about Fox, he was talking about us.

Robbie: (About the bomb threat) Why wasn't it on the news?
Jack: It's Friday night!
Robbie: Aren't bomb threats a big deal?
Jack: You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Ron: The guy hadn't gotten anything on the air in a long time and was scared for his job. We talked to him and in no uncertain terms, he screwed up huge and he knows it. But I'm not gonna end his career over it. Cause I know how he feels. That's why we misled you and told you it was written by the room. People aren't even going for funny anymore, Matt. They're just trying for your respect. Anyway, we told Danny. We'll step down if you want, but we're not giving him up.
Matt: Well, now you've got my respect.

Sam: Yeah, what's going on with Danny and Jordan?
Harriet: I don't know, we should talk about it a little closer to the microphones.

The Cast: [singing to "I am the very model of a modern Major-General"]

Tom: [to rehearsal audience] Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs to Matt Albie's office, where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight. We call this "the Friday-night slaughter". This is where you find out if you have the chance to be the next Bill Murray, or the next Domino's Pizza delivery guy.

Tom: It's gotta be soon, right?
Dylan: Yeah
Tom: I'm feeling the good vibe
Dylan: Yeah
Tom: I'll tell you this, if it doesn't make it to air, it sure wasn't your fault
Dylan: It sure wasn't your fault
Tom: You owned it
Dylan: You owned it
Tom: You got a receipt for it my man.
Dylan: You're Tom Jeter. No more need to be said.
Tom: You could've picked up the pace a little
Dylan: Yeah. Maybe a little less mugging from you.
Tom:(forcefully) No. No. This is what they want. To turn us against each other.
Dylan: You never mug man.
Tom: Your pacing is genius.
(Tom sees Andy approaching)
Tom: Here comes Andy. He'll make us feel better.
(They both start walking towards Andy)
Tom: Hey Andy!
(Andy gives them a nod of recognition as they approach him)
Andy: You graceless homicidal bastards. I think if you go check the stage you'll find jokes lying on the floor where you left them to die.
Tom: (pointing to Dylan) It was his pacing.
Andy: Should someone have indicated to you on a map where Canada was? Because your Canadian accent...
Tom: Too much?
Andy: It was Mexican.
Tom: This is the longest they've ever taken to decide.
Andy: In the old days, if your sketch didn't make it on the air, they used to send you downstairs naked, to sell lemon drinks shrouded only in your failure. And you'd have to explain to the patrons why you weren't good enough.
Dylan: There used to be a naked lemon drink salesman?
Tom: Yeah.
Andy: That's right!

Tom: The doctor's giving my mother a sedative called Atrividium
Captain Boyle: Yeah.
Tom: My father's taking shots of a sedative called Johnny Walker Red.

Wes: Ah, this is not going to be a very good show tonight. And I think you should change the channel. Change the channel, go on, right now... or better yet, turn off the TV, okay? No, I know it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow you're gonna find out that it wasn't and by that time I'll have been fired. No, this is... this is not... this is not a sketch. This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire, but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. We're about to do a sketch that you've seen already about 500 times. Yeah, no one's gonna confuse George Bush with George Plimpton. Yeah, we get it. We're all being lobotomized by this country's most influential industry that's just throwing in the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesn't include the courting of 12 year old boys. And not even the smart 12 year olds. The stupid ones. The idiots. Which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network, so why don't you just change the channel? Turn off your TVs, do it right now, go ahead.... A struggle between art and commerce. Well, there's always been a struggle between art and commerce. And now I'm telling you art is getting its ass kicked. And it's making us mean, and it's making us bitchy. It's making us cheap punks. That's not who we are! People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump?... We're eating worms for money. Who wants to screw my sister? Guys are getting killed in a war that's got theme music and a logo? That remote in your hand is a crack pipe. [monitors] Oh yeah, every once in a while we pretend to be appalled.... Pornographers! It's not even good pornography. They're just this side of snuff films. And friends, that's what's next because that's all that's left. And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho religious cult that gets positively horny at the very mention of a boycott. These are the people they're afraid of � this prissy, feckless, off-the-charts, greed-filled whorehouse of a network. And you're watching this thoroughly unpatriotic Mother-
Cal: Go to VTR, now!

Zhang Tao: Oh, her mother will take care of that.
Jack: You speak English?
Zhang Tao: I speak a few words.
Jack: How many words?
Zhang Tao: All of them.
Jack: Why do you pretend you can't speak English?
Zhang Tao: It's fun.
Jack: It's fun?! [pause] Yeah. Guess it would be.

(Danny has just learned that Matt has been taking pills to get high)
Danny: Where are they?
(Matt surrenders a bottle of pills)
Danny: What the hell are these?
Matt: Flintstones Vitamins.
Danny: These are Flintstones Vitamins.
Matt: Yeah. I like the Bam-Bams. You got a problem with that?

[After the show, Danny is trying to deflect annoyed host Lauren Graham when Matt enters the office.]
Lauren Graham: Why did you cut my sketch?
Matt: It wasn't funny.
Lauren Graham: I thought it was funny.
Matt: I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren't very good.
Lauren Graham: Really? 'Cause I thought the writing was one unbearably long set up for a jingle.
Matt: And that's why I cut the sketch. You were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.
Lauren Graham: Gilmore Girls.
Danny: I wrote it down for you!

[At the power goes out again, Cal reports to Danny.]
Danny: Are they fixing it?
Cal: In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Danny: What does that mean?
Cal: They don't know how to fix it.