Wes: Ah, this is not going to be a very good show tonight. And I think you should change the channel. Change the channel, go on, right now... or better yet, turn off the TV, okay? No, I know it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow you're gonna find out that it wasn't and by that time I'll have been fired. No, this is... this is not... this is not a sketch. This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire, but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. We're about to do a sketch that you've seen already about 500 times. Yeah, no one's gonna confuse George Bush with George Plimpton. Yeah, we get it. We're all being lobotomized by this country's most influential industry that's just throwing in the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesn't include the courting of 12 year old boys. And not even the smart 12 year olds. The stupid ones. The idiots. Which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network, so why don't you just change the channel? Turn off your TVs, do it right now, go ahead.... A struggle between art and commerce. Well, there's always been a struggle between art and commerce. And now I'm telling you art is getting its ass kicked. And it's making us mean, and it's making us bitchy. It's making us cheap punks. That's not who we are! People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump?... We're eating worms for money. Who wants to screw my sister? Guys are getting killed in a war that's got theme music and a logo? That remote in your hand is a crack pipe. [monitors] Oh yeah, every once in a while we pretend to be appalled.... Pornographers! It's not even good pornography. They're just this side of snuff films. And friends, that's what's next because that's all that's left. And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho religious cult that gets positively horny at the very mention of a boycott. These are the people they're afraid of � this prissy, feckless, off-the-charts, greed-filled whorehouse of a network. And you're watching this thoroughly unpatriotic Mother-
Cal: Go to VTR, now!

Harriet: You know what, rook? When you start making a contribution to this show, you can talk to me any way you want. But you had two lines tonight and you stepped on one of them. So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don't you talk to somebody else?

[Matt and Danny have been offered the job of leading the show.]
Matt: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?
Jack: He failed a drug test?
Jordan: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Should have trusted me a little, Danny.
Matt: [to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.
Danny: Yeah.
Matt: [turning to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.

Danny: I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: You work in television.

Jack: [to Jordan] You saw how fast I fired Wes Mendell? Screw this up and I'll fire you faster. I'm not like every other heterosexual man in show business, Jordan. I don't find you charming. And you've earned the loyalty of absolutely no one. So you go ahead and take your first steps towards making us classy again. We've been waiting for you.

Reporter: Jordan, can you describe the reaction of NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as "a candy-assed network" and "a greed-filled whorehouse of a network"?
Jordan: Pleased and proud, as you can imagine. Until we realized he wasn't talking about Fox, he was talking about us.

[The press questions the team about Danny's drug history.]
Reporter: Jordan, did you know about this when you hired him?
Jordan: I can't remember, I was high at the time.

[Matt addresses his writing team.]
Matt: One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school. We're going to act, dress, talk, write and behave professionally.
[Harriet bursts through the door.]
Harriet: You are an adolescent, oversexed, whore-monger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt: And all that will begin in just a few minutes.

[Jack approaches Jordan in the studio as the new show is about to air, quoting fictional newsman Lou Grant.]
Jack: You know what, Mary? You got spunk.
Jack & Jordan: I hate spunk.
. . .
Jack: They never lose, Jordan. They always win.
Jordan: And they might this time, but I'm not going down in the first round. And if the ratings go up, the sponsors who dropped out, we'll welcome them back in -- at 120% of the cost of the original ad buy. We're going to be the first network to charge a coward fee.
Jack: [to himself] I hate spunk.

The Cast: [singing to "I am the very model of a modern Major-General"]

We'll be the very model of a modern network TV show.
Each time that we walk into this august and famous studio
We're starting out from scratch after a run of 20 years, and so
We hope that you don't mind that our producer was caught doing blow.

Harriet: I got a laugh at the table read when I asked for the butter in the dinner sketch. I didn't get it at the dress. What did I do wrong?
Matt: That's one laugh out of thirty you're going to get tonight.
Harriet: What did I do wrong?
Matt: You asked for the laugh.
Harriet: What did I do at the table read?
Matt: You asked for the butter.

[Ron and Ricky enter Matt's office during a power outage.]
Ron: Matt...
Matt: Well, we need to find out why this is happening.
Ricky: Yep.
Matt: Electricity plays a pretty big role in what we're trying to do.

[Harriet, Simon, and Tom are arguing over the "News 60" material.]
Harriet: God loves me, and hates the both of you.
Simon: Prove it.
[The lights come back on all at once.]
Simon: Okay, seriously, I'm scared out of my mind.
Tom: Yeah. That was strange.
Harriet: Alright. Moving on...

[Matt worries about a focus-group report that criticizes the show's patriotism.]
Danny: They want to see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish. So throw it out.
Matt: It's four years ago, all over again.
Danny: What did you think it was going to be?
Matt: Four years later. And by the way, I'd be happy to take shots at the Democrats, too, if only one of them would say or do something!