Bevo: The snake's blocking the exit. That's why the coyote won't come back. He's afraid of the snake.
Cal: And the ferret?
Bevo: He's afraid of the coyote.
Cal: I tell you, man, this lacks the feel of professionalism!

Danny: Matthew, don't take this the wrong way, but I love you.
Matt: Okay.
Danny: Did you take it the wrong way?
Matt: I took it to mean you're gay and you want me.
Danny: Good.
Matt: I love you too, brother.

Danny: I've been married twice before, and I'm a recovering cocaine addict, and I know that's no woman's dream of a man -- or of a father. Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you wanna run I understand. But you better get a good head start, 'cause I'm coming for you, Jordan.
[A squirrel-cheeked Jordan stares at him, speechless.]
Danny: You should go ahead and chew that sandwich now.

Danny: Things happen around here. People blowing smoke out of their office windows at night?!
Jordan: Tell me no one is getting high in this building, Danny.
Danny: You're shocked that drugs are a part of late night comedy? The Coneheads, Toonces the Driving Cat? You think Belushi and Farley died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
Jordan: Tell me it's not happening here.
Danny: It's not happening here.

Danny: It took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.
Matt: Yeah?
Suzanne: If you'll take me.
Matt: I'll take the hell out of you.
Suzanne: Is there a way you'd like me to dress?
Matt: Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.

Danny: I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: You work in television.

Danny: What are you doing?
Harriet: Cheering you up with a little Holly Hunter.
Danny: Yeah?
Harriet: It's what I'm here for.
Danny: How is it no one's ever hit you in the head with a potato?
Harriet: I duck and weave, baby.

Cal: (referencing the teenagers who'd just called in a fake threat to the building)Can we determine if there actually is a bomb in the building?
Jack: I trust them, but just in case why don't we handcuff them to the building overnight.

Darius: Can I ask you something?
Lucy: Yes.
Darius: Sometimes I hear people call another people "sir". There doesn't seem to be a pattern as to when and who, and I don't wanna be impolite, but I don't wanna look like an idiot either, so... who gets called "sir"?
Lucy: I'm working on a sketch right now.
Darius: OK.
Lucy: There are no rules to it. It'll come naturally, like calling a conductor "maestro" when he is in the vicinity of the podium. You know, we get to Friday night, the more we hear Matt and Danny called "sir". Cal, too, department heads, anybody who deserves it. It's not a big deal.
Darius: Ok. [pause] Is this is a "white people" thing or what?
Lucy: I'm not white, Darius, I'm English.
Darius: [laughs] Put that line in the damn sketch.

Danny: Did you read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday?
Suzanne: Yes.
Danny: Do you agree that it's terrible that she sourced an anonymous web-posting to support her point?
Suzanne: I liked the piece.
Danny: Never disagree with me.
Suzanne: It made me sick.

Cal: We can't air the dress tonight.
Jack: Why not?
Cal: We record the signal in RGB, we were missing the B.
Jack: You didn't record the color blue at the dress!?

Doctor: Have you told anyone?
Jordan: Just my assistant, Kevin. That's it.
Doctor: And... Mr. Tripp?
Jordan: I had to tell him.
Danny: She wanted to.
Jordan: I was semi-conscious. I had to make sure he wasn't gonna force a B-12 injection on me.
Doctor: You've just described the beginning of every great love story.

Danny: I've been locked up on a roof with a deadly viper in my studio, and it's been the best night of my life, because I was with you. I wasn't going to lose interest in four months.

Harriet: [to Matt] You know what? When George Michael does some guy in a bathroom, or Woody Allen marries his daughter, or a child molester gets an Oscar nomination, it doesn't really give Hollywood a lot of moral authority on sexual behavior.

Harriet: [about an interview] I said the Bible says it's a sin. It also says judge not lest ye be judged, and that it was something for smarter people than me to decide.
Matt: "Ye" is a word you don't hear a lot.
Harriet: How do you manage to see every piece of my press?
Matt: We have a press department, I get a daily press packet. They highlight what they want me to see - this one got a highlight, an arrow and a sticker!
Harriet: Well, as I said, they left out the second sentence.
Matt: Yeah, can I ask you something? Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?