Jeannie: How do you feel about Darren?
Harriet: I'm crazy about him, and I'll tell you why.
Jeannie: He's a professional athlete and has the body of one?
Harriet: No. It's because he's the anti-Matt. Darren is the anti-Matt! He's not snide, he's not smug, he's not superior -- he goes to church! -- he works with his hands...
Jeannie: Well, he's not a rancher. He's a middle-reliever for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Harriet: I'm saying he is, by and large, unburdened by....what?
Jeannie: Thought?
Harriet: He thinks.
Jeannie: About what?
Harriet: I'm looking forward to discovering that tonight.

Jordan: (on the phone with Danny) Hi, this is Jordan McDeere. I'm the President of NBS west coast entertainment.
Danny: Yes ma'am.
Jordan: I'm concerned that not enough of your cameras are aimed at her chest.
Danny: Well, I got all four of them working. But this is just dress. If you want I can bring in some IMAX equipment tonight.
Jordan: This is what you like, huh?
Danny: Me? Uh...no, and I'll tell you why. Because she's TOO sexy.
Jordan: My hormones are like a Los Alamos experiment right now.
Danny: What does that mean?
Jordan: Get the cameras off her chest!!

Jordan: [answering her cell phone] Hello?
Danny: Danny.
Jordan: Danny who?
Danny: Danny Tripp!
Jordan: I know. I was just being dry. Why don't people ever get that?
Danny: Well, for one thing--
Jordan: And then I was being rhetorical!

Jordan: Don't let the nurse give me the shot! [Danny re-enters, having gone to fetch the nurse]
Danny/Jordan: You're/I'm Pregnant.

Jordan: You've never been rejected by a woman before?
Danny: Not this many times by the same woman in one night.

Martha: Sting is in the building right now?
Harriet: He's on stage.
Martha: Sting is upstairs, playing a lute.
Harriet: You want to go watch?
Martha: Harriet, you're interesting but... get out of my way!

Matt: 15 minutes goes by without me hearing from you, I'm driving over there with a police escort.
Danny: Where're you getting a police escort from?
Matt: I will commit a crime and lead them on a high speed chase if I have to; I am not kidding around!

Matt: Half the shows in prime time start with two strippers getting strangled after a lap dance, and that's fine with me but if it's also fine with Jesus then I don't see the need to tiptoe around his name.

Matt: How is it possible that at a time when the entire country is completely in line, including the two of us, that... how is it possible that people are so offended by a thoroughly benign sketch?! Is true patriotism really that fragile that it can be threatened by a late night comedy show?!

Matt: I am psyched for this photo-shoot of yours.
Harriet: I want to commission a scientific study of how news travels in this building!
Matt: Hey, I'm not even sure there's such a thing as the Internet. It might just be Jeannie telling everyone stuff.

Matt: I went down there to pitch her a sketch about a Christian Radio Host, and it turns out, she's a Christian.
Luke: I'm a Christian.
Matt: Yeah, but she's like...ya know...a member!
Luke: Really?
Matt: What were the odds of that? I'd say the last two places I'd expect to find a member of the Christian right are the corridors of Studio 60 and a synagogue.
Luke: Did you offend her?
Matt: I couldn't have offended her more if I re-crucified her savior, it was stunning!

Matt: Isn't it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man, and Joseph stepped up so his wife wouldn't get stoned to death by the village?
Harriet: No.
Matt: It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?
Harriet: He's not David Copperfield!

Matt: It's one thing to be asked to respect someone else's religion, it's another to be asked to respect their taboos. In my religion it's disrespectful to God not to keep your head covered. You don't see me insisting that the cast of CSI:Miami wear yarmulkas.
Danny: That'd be an unusual creative direction for CSI:Miami.

Matt: Science is something you believe in, science has to be proven, or they don't get to call it science
Harriet: Wouldn't it be great if you knew something about Christians, before you start...
Matt: It's a fairy tale!
Harriet: No, it's not
Matt: We've been having this fight for six months!
Harriet: We've been having this fight for two years!
Matt: We have been having this fight in two different millennia, now!

Matt: Twelve hundred dollars I gotta give to abstinence people?
Suzanne: Twelve hundred and one.
Matt: Alright, do it, and can you find me some non-profit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do, so I can donate an equal amount to them, and make it a wash?
Suzanne: That means an organization that encourages people to have sex?
Matt: It's L.A. You should be able to throw a rock and hit one.