[Stottlemeyer is unsure that Marty Eels has become a great detective overnight, so he and the others question Marty at his office]
Marty Eels: So Captain, am I on the case, or what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, I need to ask you a couple of questions.
Marty Eels: Sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you yesterday morning at eight o'clock?
Marty Eels: You mean when the robbery was happening? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you, Marty?
Marty Eels: [pouring them coffee] I was at the hospital. Saint Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
Lt. Randall Disher: What happened?
Marty Eels: Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I got hit very hard by a client--hit me very hard. Yeah. I--I was supposed to follow his wife and take pictures. [hands them a file with photos of a terrified man and woman in bed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa! She was cheating on him.
Marty Eels: No, no. That's him. That's my client.
Natalie Teeger: [incredulously] You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
Marty Eels: Yes I did. I made a mistake. I'm human! So the bottom line is that I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We will.
Marty Eels: Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm this good?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact you sort of sucked.

[Stottlemeyer makes a late night visit to Monk's apartment. Monk, carrying a container of lightbulbs, answers]
Adrian Monk: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey. Got a minute?
Adrian Monk: Sure. [Stottlemeyer comes in and Monk closes the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh, nothing. I was just... polishing the lightbulbs. What's going on? [He takes his box of lightbulbs back to the kitchen]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhh, you remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about three years ago?
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about: I landed, I hailed a cab, and, I recognized the cab driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw. He used to be a Fed, he was a real player. He used to head the FBI's field office in Atlanta until the 1996 Olympic Games.
Adrian Monk: The Plaza bombing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy. Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian Monk: What does this have to do with-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: [reads from the file] It's a match.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, I'm gonna wind up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs! Can you help me with this? I mean, I've gotta know, I've gotta be certain. Is this guy alive or dead?

[Stottlemeyer notices Randy looking down into one of the air cannons]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Lt. Randall Disher: Bingo!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What exactly does "bingo" mean, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: We got the murder weapon. .454 Ruger Casull. [Stottlemeyer opens the side cabinet to the cannon, as a bewildered Randy looks up at him with his flashlight. In embarrassment he turns it off. The captain reaches in with a handkerchief, grabs the revolver by its trigger, and smells it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now, that's been fired recently.
Lt. Randall Disher: Any prints?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope, it's been oiled down. How'd it get in there?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's the backup cannon. The cannonball guy says anybody could have dropped it in. They haven't used it in a week. [The cannonball man is giving Randy an aggravated look, they being very impatient]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Backup cannon? Good lord! Get that down to ballistics. Put it on the fast track. [He gives the gun to another detective behind him and closes the hatch]
Cannonball Guy: Excuse me. Are you guys about done?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, could you step back? This is official police business!
Cannonball Guy: Maybe I should come to your office and root through your stuff! How'd you like that, huh? [Randy just glares angrily off into space as Stottlemeyer walks over to him]
Lt. Randall Disher: I hate that cannonball!!

[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on the transportation union's headquarters]
Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk!
[everyone freezes]
Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case.
Stottlemeyer: He what?
Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing.
Stottlemeyer: ...Is he sure?
Lt. Disher: ...He's Monk.

[Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. Victim was poisoned; somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
Natalie Teeger: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
Natalie Teeger: [holds up file] Ka-ching!
Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.
Natalie Teeger: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.

[Stottlemeyer returns home after having punched a cop]
Karen Stottlemeyer: Did something happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.

[Stottlemeyer shooes away an officer with mismatched socks]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.
Adrian Monk: Did he understand?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.
Sharona Fleming: Can we just focus on the work now?
Adrian Monk: OK.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]
Adrian Monk: From here? What is that, thirty feet?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.
Lt. Randall Disher: Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]
Adrian Monk: [incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
Lt. Randall Disher: They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
Adrian Monk: And who was the victim?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.
Adrian Monk: Table's set for two. Who was his date?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]
Adrian Monk: The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right. What's that mean?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. What about the cashier?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.
Lt. Randall Disher: Or it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Adrian Monk: Wood shavings.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wood shavings?
Adrian Monk: Sawdust?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]
Adrian Monk: What happened next?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
Lt. Randall Disher: No pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]
Adrian Monk: What pun is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because of the alley.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] ��and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
[Monk looks on]
Adrian Monk: Is there a circus in town?
Lt. Randall Disher: A circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
Lt. Randall Disher: We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Master of ceremonies?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, the ringmaster.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: At the circus?

[Stottlemeyer speaks at a press conference about Sidney Teal's death]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown. The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion. We believe that Mr. Teal, was in fact trying to murder Mr. Modine, who was linked romantically at one time with Mr. Teal's wife, Myra. Over the next 10 days, the D.A.'s office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr. Modine for filing a false report. Any questions?
Reporter #1: Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.
Reporter #1: Captain, there's a story in today's Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop, but is refusing to release it.
Reporter #2: Is that true, Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment. [The reporters all clamor for a few moments until Stottlemeyer interrupts] All right. Hey, hey. Hang on. I have another statement, and here it is: The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.

[Stottlemeyer takes Monk to the parking lot where Prager tried to kill him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of a bar, around 2:30. [flashback to Stottlemeyer leaving that bar] They took my keys, so I'm walking home. [flashback ends] There was-there was a big black van here, he was waiting behind it. [points to a space occupied by a vintage car] Must've been parked here all night. [In flashback, Prager steps out from behind the van] He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away: it was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. [Stottlemeyer, in flashback, sees Prager's cold vengeful glare. Suddenly Prager brings up a gun and fires five shots at Stottlemeyer, but Stottlemeyer ducks behind a car, but by the time he brings up his S&W gun, Prager has vanished] He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds. And then he just disappeared. Until last night.
Adrian Monk: And they just left the bullet holes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.

[Stottlemeyer walks into his office when Disher calls to him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! [Stottlemeyer walks back out to Randy's desk] Monk was right. And you're right too sir, about Monk being right. Check this out. Good work.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What have you got, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Winston Brenner. He was an activist in the 90s. He was indicted in a series of bombings in Boston. Pretty angry individual. [grabs evidence bags with two different notes; he holds up the left one first] Here, look at this. This is the note from the power plant. [holds up the one in his right hand] This one is from 11 years ago. He uses a lot of the same phrases: "The blood I shed today."/"The blood I shed today." "The price of absolute freedom."/"The price of absolute freedom." And check this out. [rotates his desk lamp to show the comparison in the writing sample, also shining the light right into Stottlemeyer's face] The handwriting is identical. This is definitely the guy. The only thing is, is that back then, Brenner didn't really care about the environment. Anti-military was his thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you read the rest of the file, Randy? [Randy produces surveillance photos]
Lt. Randall Disher: We've got some pictures too. They're blurry, but good.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Read the rest of the file, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Which part?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The part here where it says that he died: "Deceased, 1995." Blew himself up before the trial.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's dead.

[Stottlemeyer wants Monk to follow his wife]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!
Adrian Monk: Who was that clown? I'd never seen him before.

[Terry is putting up a "MERRY CHRISTMAS" banner, which is slightly askew]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terry, hey! That's not straight. The left side is too low.
Detective Terry Chasen: It's good enough.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.
Detective Terry Chasen: Ah, hell. Okay.

[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]
Lt. Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?
Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
Lt. Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?
Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.

[The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home.]
Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.
Benjy: Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?
Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.

[The federal authorities are refusing access to Warrick Tennyson]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How long does he have?
Captain Walter Cage: Two, three days. He's being deposed in connection with that federal racketeering case, and they're afraid they're gonna lose him before they get what they need. They're not letting anybody else near him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.
Captain Walter Cage: Come on, I didn't lie to you! If we close the ambassador case...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador! He means less than zero to me, okay? My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him, too! In a way. [silence]
Captain Walter Cage: If we close this case, we can call the press, we can call City Hall, we're gonna have juice. Come on, you know how this works! They won't dare say no to us. Captain, it's not just your best shot. It's your only shot.