M*A*S*H quotes
576 total quotesCharles: My good man, I have better things to do than stand around listening to someone make no sense in two languages.
Charles: No offense, Miss Carlyle, but I've always been of the opinion that squeezing is a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.
Charles: Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.
Klinger: OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)
Charles: My word, you have invented the circle!
Klinger: OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)
Charles: My word, you have invented the circle!
Charles: Oh yes. In the springtime a young dolt's fancy turns to baseball where one can sit and munch red hots and crackerjacks and watch eighteen hillbillies in knickers run around in circles and spit tobacco chaws on one another.
Charles: On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.
Donna: When was that?
Charles: It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
Donna: Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
Charles: Nope. Got pneumonia!
Donna: When was that?
Charles: It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
Donna: Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
Charles: Nope. Got pneumonia!
Charles: Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?
Hawkeye: Because I'm a music lover.
Hawkeye: Because I'm a music lover.
Charles: Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?
Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
Charles: Did I say something to offend him?
Charles (Enters Colonel Potter's tent): Colonel it is imperative I get to Boston
Potter: Boston, Massachussettes?
Charles: Yes! Yes. Boston, Massachussettes.
Potter: Now just hang on to your homburg Winchester. You come barrelling into your CO's bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out. How would you like to spend the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?
Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
Charles: Did I say something to offend him?
Charles (Enters Colonel Potter's tent): Colonel it is imperative I get to Boston
Potter: Boston, Massachussettes?
Charles: Yes! Yes. Boston, Massachussettes.
Potter: Now just hang on to your homburg Winchester. You come barrelling into your CO's bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out. How would you like to spend the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?
Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
Col Potter: Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order. Don't forget to have a happy life, too.
Col. Blake: [coming outside looking for Radar, yelling] Radar?
Hawkeye: SHH!
Col. Blake: Who are you shushing?!? What are you doing out here in your stockinged feet?!? You been at the still again, right?!?
Hawkeye: [whispering] I'm working on a bomb!
Col. Blake: What kind of a bomb?!?!
Hawkeye: [still whispering] An unexploded bomb!
Col. Blake: Oh! [whispering] THAT kind of bomb.
Hawkeye: SHH!
Col. Blake: Who are you shushing?!? What are you doing out here in your stockinged feet?!? You been at the still again, right?!?
Hawkeye: [whispering] I'm working on a bomb!
Col. Blake: What kind of a bomb?!?!
Hawkeye: [still whispering] An unexploded bomb!
Col. Blake: Oh! [whispering] THAT kind of bomb.
Col. Potter: Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.
Col. Potter: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how much Margaret means to us. We couldn't run this place without her.
Al Houlihan: Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Col. Potter: Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Al Houlihan: I beg your pardon?
Col. Potter: Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!
Al Houlihan: Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?
Col. Potter: It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.
Al Houlihan: Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.
Col. Potter: It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.
Al Houlihan: What do you mean by that?
Col. Potter: Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.
Al Houlihan: That had nothing to do with Margaret!
Col. Potter: Really? Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? Let me tell you something, Alvin. I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!
Al Houlihan: It shouldn't be happening to me.
Col. Potter: You mean, you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?
Al Houlihan: Colonel...
Col. Potter: You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?
Al Houlihan: Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.
Al Houlihan: Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Col. Potter: Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Al Houlihan: I beg your pardon?
Col. Potter: Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!
Al Houlihan: Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?
Col. Potter: It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.
Al Houlihan: Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.
Col. Potter: It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.
Al Houlihan: What do you mean by that?
Col. Potter: Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.
Al Houlihan: That had nothing to do with Margaret!
Col. Potter: Really? Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? Let me tell you something, Alvin. I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!
Al Houlihan: It shouldn't be happening to me.
Col. Potter: You mean, you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?
Al Houlihan: Colonel...
Col. Potter: You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?
Al Houlihan: Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.
Colonel Coner: Our losses were insignificant.
Hawkeye: How many kids in an insignificant?
Hawkeye: How many kids in an insignificant?