Potter: Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced.

Potter: What is this idiocy about?
Flagg: Your spy ring.
Potter: Spy ring?
Flagg: Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.
Hawkeye: He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshall Tito, and, of course, you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.

Potter: What's the matter?
Klinger: Snapped my garter belt.
Potter: Don't expect a Purple Heart.

Potter: Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?
Hawkeye: Ask the five-card stud.
Klinger: Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.
BJ: Sure you have, in the Reptile House.
Mulcahy: I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.
Charles: Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.
Mulcahy: (pauses) Well, good night everyone.
Hawkeye: Good night, Mr. Chip.

Potter: Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.
Klinger: Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.
Potter: I'll remember that.

Potter: You don't think this is the proverbial 'hell freezing over' do you, Father?
Mulcahy: Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda.

Potter: You interrupted a Zane Grey gunfight because of a schoolyard spat over a jacket?
Charles: That jacket is rightfully mine.
Potter: Major get your mind off collecting fees. This is the army not park avenue.
Charles: This is Hell's Kitchen.
Potter (pointing to boots): See those boots? Picture them kicking you across the compound.
BJ: Mind if I enter?
Potter: Sure. You know my hours, 11pm to reville.
Charles: Well purjury must have its day in court.
Potter: Approach the bench.

Potter: You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!
Hawkeye: No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
Everyone: Yeah!
BJ: I've seen better film forming in my soup.
Potter: Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
Hawkeye: We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!

Potter: You'll want to be there for two reasons. One, this is going to teach us all a new heart procedure. And second, it would be a nice gesture to your commanding officer, who could make your life so miserable if he wanted to.

Potter: You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.
Klinger: I call it "food for freedom".
Potter: I call it "suicide by salami".

Potter:(to Klinger) So far you have performed your duties with the efficiency of a one-legged man at a BUTT-kicking contest!

Pratt: [referring to Flagg] Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.
Hawkeye: Is this guy available for kids' parties?
Season 3

Radar O'Reilly: General Barker's fighter just pulled in, looks real big.
Trapper John Mcintyre: (Sounding scared)How big?
Radar: If he wanted to, he could be a platoon. [Trapper looks at Hawkeye.] Looks mean. [makes a face to show what he looks like]

Radar' O'Reilly: Here they come!
Spearchucker' Jones: I don't hear nothin'.
Radar' O'Reilly: Wait for it.
Hawkeye Pierce : [writing to his father] You said I sounded a bit callous in my last letter Dad. Let me see if I can put things in a better way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we are not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient.We care only about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and we're not dainty. We try to play par surgeon on this course. Par is a live patient.
[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]

Radar: (walking very slowly into the OR, shortly after Blake's departure) I have a message: Lt. Col... Henry Blake's plane...was shot down... over the Sea of Japan. It spun and . . . there were no survivors. (He leaves, fighting tears)
Season 4