Malcolm: (to the camera) You know, why plan my future when it's just gonna be a wall of paint crashing down on me? I'm just gonna enjoy being a kid again.

Malcolm: (On the phone with Francis) Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding! So did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?!

Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]
Reese: Gimme that!
Lois: Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
Hal: Well, there goes our summer vacation.
Dewey: So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
Malcolm: I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
Reese: Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
[Everyone stares at Malcolm]
Hal: Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Malcolm: Come on, Reese. Hurry up!
Reese: Sorry, I had to put the "lemonade" in the fridge.

Malcolm: Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.
Lloyd: He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's the secret code for the school therapist.

Malcolm: Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.
Dewey: Am I?

Malcolm: Hey, I think 45 minutes of rubbing out corns is worth at least an hour joyride.

Malcolm: Hi, I'm Malcolm.
Cynthia: Cynthia.
Malcolm: So, you're new here.
Cynthia: Yeah, my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan, but I think the real reason is that my mom's remarriage hit him pretty hard and he thinks that a new environment would help. The truth is nothing's been the same after my brother died in a boating accident.
(Malcolm is shocked, Cynthia pauses, then snorts)
Cynthia: Ha! Just kidding.
Malcolm: What?
Stevie (passes by them): Get... a room.
(Cynthia laughs)
Malcolm: Anyways, see you later, and I'm glad your brother's okay.
Cynthia: I don't have a brother.

Malcolm: I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything.... AND I'M FAT!

Malcolm: Imagine if this was to fall into the wrong hands.
Dewey: I see an old lady!!
Malcolm: RELOAD! RELOAD!

Malcolm: Mom, do you...do you like your parents?
Lois: It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
Malcolm: I know.
Lois: At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
Malcolm: Back to their own home.
Lois: Yeah...that's what I meant.

Malcolm: Mom, my stomach hurts.
Reese: So does mine!
Malcolm: I'm not kidding, it's really sore.
Reese: Owwwww... it hurts.
Malcolm: Shut up, Reese.
Reese: I see spots! Mommy!
Lois: Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
Hal: You know, now you mentioned it...
Lois: Everybody's going!

Malcolm: Reese, she's four years old. You're bigger and smarter... well, you're bigger than her.

Malcolm: Someone's got to gi...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: Well, then, someone can mail it to her any...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: Well, someone's got to be the person to...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: ... not give it to her!
Reese: I'm it!
Malcolm: HAHA! ... Oh

Malcolm: That's not good, cougars don't just blow up!
Reese: As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.
Malcolm: Reese! That's insane!
Reese: I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.