Sam Marquez: [to Mike about Ed] What do you mean a heart attack? Oh, that's great. He probably found out Delinda and Danny were sleeping together again.
Mary Connell: Is that true?
Mike Cooper: No, no!
Sam: No, Mary, it's not true.
Mary: Am I the only one who didn't know about Danny and Delinda?
Sam: Well, you and Ed.
Mike: Please don't have a heart attack, Mary.

Sam Marquez: Dear, God, please make them stop.
Mike Cannon: Yeah, your brother and your boss. Not the most holy of unions.
Sam Marquez: Nuh-uh. What am I gonna do?
Mike Cannon: Ignore it.
Sam Marquez: I'm trying, but I can't. I mean, this is interfering with my job. The time I've spent showering, alone.
Mike Cannon: Showering?
Sam Marquez: Should I talk to him? I should talk to him! Thanks, Mike!

Sam Marquez: Do you really think you should have your feet up on Big Ed's desk?
Danny McCoy: Big Ed's probably at a luau right now patting down Don Ho, but don't you worry, ladies. Big Danny's here.
Nessa Holt: Oh, my God. The boss isn't gone five minutes, he's already gone mad!

Sam Marquez: Hey, you know what, Mary? My client over there, he's lost 250 grand.
Delinda Deline: He's really --
Sam Marquez: Sad. Yeah.
Mary Connell: Aw.
Sam Marquez: Yeah, he's sad. Listen, maybe you could just go over there and kind of be yourself.
Delinda Deline: Be super sweet!
Sam Marquez: Yeah, be nice to him.
Mary Connell: Poor guy.
Sam Marquez: Thanks, sweetie.
Delinda Deline: Thanks, Mar. She does come in handy.
Sam Marquez: She does come in handy sometimes.

Sam Marquez: I hate funerals. Pretending to mourn for someone you despised. Doesn't that bother you guys?
Delinda Deline: Not me. I like pretending.
Mary Connell: Now that we know Monica left it all to charity, I feel like maybe she was just misunderstood.
Sam Marquez: Really? I feel like maybe she was just a bitch.

Sam Marquez: I need a favor.
Delinda Deline: What's up?
Sam: I need you to be Asad Sumar's casino host for at least a day.
Delinda: What?
Sam: I know he bought you that expensive dress, if you say no you'll look like a money grubbing whore.
Delinda: You know about the dress?
Sam: Everybody knows about the dress.
Delinda: Even Danny?
Sam: He's actually a little smarter than he looks, isn't he?
Delinda: I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass.
Sam: I know. Your ass is pretty popular these days, so that's nice isn't it? Will you do this for me? Pretty please?
Delinda: He's pissed at me.
Sam: Well since he's pissed at you, maybe you should pass the time by, say, making some extra money and filling in for me.
Delinda: How much extra?
Sam: Well it would be enough to pay Asad back for that dress if you were stupid enough to do it.
Delinda: You've got yourself a deal.

Sam Marquez: I smell whales.
Delinda Deline: I smell embalming fluid.

Sam Marquez: If he pinches my ass I'll deck him.
Ed Deline: No you won't.

Sam Marquez: If that bitch thinks that she is going to get away with this, she has another think coming!
Danny: It looks like she already has.

Sam Marquez: Oh, great. Every casino host in town is here.
Delinda Deline: Aw, that's so sweet. They all came to pay their respects. What a nice little club you belong to.
Sam Marquez: They're not here to pay their respects. They're all after J.W.'s black book!
Delinda Deline: That's not very nice.
Sam Marquez: Casino hosts aren't very nice people.
Delinda Deline: But Sam, you're a casino host.
Sam Marquez: Exactly.

Sam Marquez: Tequila's like amnesia in a bottle for me.

Sam Marquez: What is wrong with these rich college kids? What, is there some kind of jackass gene that kicks in?
Danny McCoy: Yeah, there is.

Sam Marquez: Who's the hottest server you have working right now?
Delinda Deline: I would have to say Steve. He has a nice, tight little ass.
Sam Marquez: Not a guy. A female.
Delinda Deline: Are you thinking about switching teams again?
Sam Marquez: I want someone to listen in and these two and report back to me.
Delinda Deline: Why, what's going on?
Sam Marquez: Anything to do with the Montecito's gaming license or potential lack thereof effects my bottom line.
Delinda Deline: And you don't think they'll mind if some hot girl is just hovering around them?
Sam Marquez: Listen to what you just said.

Sam Marquez: You think I'm mean?
Vic Manning: It doesn't matter. I can totally handle it. In fact, I kind of dig it.
Sam: Okay, I'm going to try and say this in the nicest way. I think you should go back to Hawaii, because if you don't, I will have Ed Deline kill you.

Sam Marquez: You've got to hand it to Monica.
Mary Connell: What?
Sam Marquez: Even death can't keep that bitch from ruining my life.