Delinda Deline: Hey, I need a few annoying habits of Danny's. I have a list going.
Sam Marquez: I can't help you.
Delinda: You don't think there's anything annoying about Danny?
Sam: I think there are about a million things, but I don't have the four hours necessary to get into it.
[...]
Sam: Okay, how about the fact that he's a little too chummy-chummy with your father. That's creepy.
Delinda: You're right.
Sam: And have you ever noticed that every time that boy walks past a mirror he's got to look in it? [turns to see Delinda fixing her hair in a reflective sign] You guys will be great.
Delinda: Wait, what did you say after mirror?

Delinda Deline: I guess it's just me and you, girl.
Sam Marquez: Oy.

Delinda Deline: I hate to say this, Sam, but you smell like a dog.
Sam Marquez: Yeah! It's Beaumont, of Silver Springs. He's this big, goofy Great Dane. My whale's showing him at the competition.
Delinda: How adorable!
Sam: Yeah, he is. He reminds me of my first love, John Butler. I can't get over the resemblance.
Delinda: Not the dog. The whale, right?
Sam: Yeah, I have a date with him tonight. I feel like a girl. Let's sit down and talk about it!

Delinda Deline: I just want our first Christmas together to be special, do you know what I mean?
Sam Marquez: He is just pissing away his money.
Delinda: Isn't that what you want?
Sam: Of course it's what we want, but we want people to piss away their money correctly.
Delinda: Oh. I didn't know there was a correct way to piss away money.
Sam: Well there is! Now what is it you're going on about?
Delinda: It's Danny and mine's first Christmas. I'm planning a special, candlelit romantic Christmas Eve dinner. Then a little cuddling by the fire --
Sam: Okay, hold it. I don't want to hear about you and Danny playing hide the salami in front of the fireplace or under the Christmas tree.
Delinda: Why does everyone think that's all we do?
Sam: Because you two couldn't stop banging each other if your lives depended on it. [Delinda smiles] In fact, I'm surprised you two aren't permanently attached at the crotch.

Delinda Deline: Just so you know, before when I asked about you being sweet on me, I wasn't suggesting anything.
Danny McCoy: Yes you were!
Delinda Deline: You wish I was!
Danny McCoy: No, you were. The only thing that I wish is that we didn't have to beat around the bush. We're consenting adults, right?
Delinda Deline: Absolutely!
Danny McCoy: Absolutely. I mean, if we want to have sex with each other we should just say so.
Delinda Deline: Absolutely.

Delinda Deline: Sam. Have you seen Seth? I'm really worried about him.
Sam Marquez: Delinda, he's an adult.
Delinda Deline: He shows up this sweet, unspoiled country boy and now I've turned him into some sort of --
Sam Marquez: American?
Delinda Deline: Oh, God.
Sam Marquez: Yeah. Listen, there's this thing. I'm not sure if you've heard of it or not. It's called personal responsibility.
Delinda Deline: Yeah, but he's overdoing it. And it's all my fault.
Sam Marquez: Good. Everyone overdoes it. That's why we're here.
Delinda Deline: Yeah, but he's picking up slutty girls.
Sam Marquez: That's excellent, actually. He wears the Boy George hats, but he's not gay.
Delinda Deline: And he's drinking like a fish.
Sam Marquez: Helps kill the slutty girl germs.

Delinda Deline: So... you're my new boss.
Danny McCoy: Yep.
Delinda Deline: Mmm...[Delinda opens her blouse and showing her bra] So, uh, if I do this,you could fire me?
Danny McCoy: Yes!
Delinda Deline: [Delinda opens her blouse again] So I won't do that again.
Danny McCoy: Would you stop that, please.
Delinda Deline: Yes, sir, Mr. President.
Danny McCoy: .[Delinda walks away and opens her blouse again] Stop that.

Delinda Deline: Two words: Polyester.
Ed Deline: Two words: Calm down.
Delinda Deline: Don't tell me to calm down! You're not even listening to me!
Ed Deline: No, I'm not. I'm trying to study for my driver's test.
Delinda Deline: No one studies for their driver's test!
Ed Deline: Well not everyone has a genius IQ, sweetheart.
Delinda Deline: It does come in handy sometimes. Hey, quit changing the subject! This is a slippery slope, Daddy. I mean, first the wait-staff at Mystique wears polyester uniforms, then who knows what she'll suggest? Stripes with plaids? Denim on denim's? Skorts?!
Ed Deline: Skorts? What's a skort?
Delinda Deline: Where does it end, Daddy? Where??

Delinda Deline: Was it fun being mean?
Sam Marquez: Of course it is. Why do you think I do it all the time?

Delinda Deline: You're never going to get away.
Mr. Chips: If that's the case, why not kill you right now?
Delinda: Because you need me. I'm the only chip you've got left, Chips.
Chips: I've got 50 million chips, blondie. You're just chump change to me.
Delinda: You're going to die, you know. They shut down your airport. It's only a matter of time.
Chips: By the time the police figure any of this out I'll be on a beach earning twenty percent. [Delinda laughs] I'm glad you think this is all funny.
Delinda: What's funny is you actually think the police will be involved. There will be no police, no FBI. There will only be men whose sole responsibility will be to hunt you down and kill you. All of you. And they will. They always do.

Delinda: [hears Danny knock] Come in.
Danny: What's up? [sees Delinda in her wedding dress] Wow.
Delinda: Do you like?
Danny: Wow.
Delinda: Stop saying wow. Say something else.
Danny: You look beautiful.
Delinda: Really?
Danny: Yeah.

Delinda: Before we start, since this is our first real date, let's pretend like we just met. That we're just getting to know each other.
Danny: That's kind of lame.
Delinda: No it's not! Just tell me something about you I don't already know. Something embarrassing.
Danny: I stole a pack of gum when I was eight.
Delinda: That's not embarrassing.
Danny: Okay, well top it!
Delinda: Okay. I once fell asleep in my own vomit.
Danny: Outstanding! [they high-five]

Delinda: Hey. [kisses him] Thanks.
Danny McCoy: For what?
Delinda: [smiles] For feeling the same way about me that I feel about you. [stops smiling] You do feel the same way about me, don't you?
Danny: [laughs] Yes. [walks away to find Ed]
Jillian: Don't screw this up, Delinda.
Delinda: I won't.

Delinda: I have no idea what to get Sam for Christmas.
Mary Connell: How about anti-evil pills? Oh, that's right, the ones she got last year didn't do the trick.

Delinda: I'm going to tell Mary about you and me.
Danny: What? Why?
Delinda: I'm getting my ducks in a row.
Danny: I think you should tell your ducks to keep their bills shut. Have you been talking to Sam? What is this?
Delinda: How did you know?