Lily: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.
Barney: [Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!
Lily: It hurts my eyes...
Barney: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Marshall: [giving himself a pep talk in the mirror before his run] This is going to be your best run yet. You are going to accomplish all of your goals. [monotone] You are a robot sent from the future to win the Marathon. You are Marshall...You are Marshall....You are Marshall!...Yeaaaahhh!!!.

Marshall: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.
Clerk: Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!
Lily: Really!?
Clerk: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.
Lily: Oh, so can we see a judge?
Clerk: Absolutely!
Lily: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall: [clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?
Clerk: Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!
Robin: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say--
Marshall: You know what? We get it.

Robin: [Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.
Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...
Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.
Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Robin: Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.
Lily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.
Robin: That's why I need your help!

Robin: [Lily walks out, wearing her wedding dress] Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful!
Lily: I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! [She lifts her arms up and the dress falls down] I'm too skinny for my dress!!

Robin: I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

Ted: [tries to convince the group of watching the recorded Super Bowl together a day after because of the wake for Mark] Who's in?
Lily: I'm in!
Robin: I'm in.
Marshall: I'm in!
Barney: What the hell. I'm in! HIGH-FIVE! [raises his hand]
Ted: Dude... we are at a wake!
Barney: [looks around] Sorry.... [puts his hand over the table and speaks in a low and grave voice] solemn low-five.

Ted: Dude, you shaved your fricking head!
Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, 'cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?
Ted: What!?
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!

Ted: Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five American bucks.
Robin: Damn it!

Ted: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Ted: Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
Ted: Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
Robin: And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
Ted: [pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?
Season 3

Ted: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yep.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted: [Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?
Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says "Ted", no heart.
Barney: Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...[sees Marshall and Ted smile] Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar! [leaves the coffee shop]
Ted: Man! What's up with Swarley?
Marshall: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.
Ted: Psssh.

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily: Sartorial?
Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. [In a high-pitched voice] What up? [Raises his hand in anticipation for a high-five]
[Everybody walks past Barney except Marshall, who giggles and gives him a high-five]

Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.
[Flashback to Barney with different girls]
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Ohhhhhh.....
[back to present]
Barney: So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible
Ted: Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
[flash to Robin and Ted at the altar]
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ted: I love you.
Robin: I used to be a dude.
Ted: Ohhhhhh.....

[At Lily's apartment, Ted and Lily try to patch up over the dirty word]
Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? You're clearly still mad at me.
Ted: I'm not mad at you.
Lily: Yes you are.
Ted: [seething] I am NOT mad at you Lily, now can we please just...
Lily: I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me, and we've moved past it. Why can't you?
Ted: Because you've never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call? Come on, Lily we're supposed to be friends!
Lily: Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch!
Ted: You were a grinch!
Lily: How can you...
Ted: Grinchy, grinch grinch grinch, grinch grinch grinch.
[All the lights in the apartment turn off.]
Lily: Happy?! Now you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.
Ted: Yeah, i'm sure God cares if I-
Guy upstairs: You use that language again, and i'll turn off your water!