Mercedes: [after seeing the guys walk in looking like Justin Bieber] Sweet Jesus, who bought tickets to crazy town?

Mercedes: [at her locker when sticks start getting thrown at her] What are you doing?
Sue: [throwing sticks] Throwing sticks at your head. I'm going to crush you at Regionals.
Flashback ends

Mercedes: [While listening to Artie sing "Isn't she lovely" to Brittany] I thought this song was about a baby.

Mercedes: At this school the thing that makes you different is the thing that people use to crush your spirit.

Mercedes: But my butt, Mr. Schue. That song was amazing.

Mercedes: Did you know New York City was built on top of Old York City?
Tina: I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Mercedes: Oh. I'm just pretty.
Finn: Hey.
Rachel: Hi! I'm surprised at how well Quinn is taking the breakup. I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy.
Finn: I guess she just accepted the inevitable.
Rachel: Or maybe she's just distracted by the awesomeness of New York! I know I am. Hey, do you know why it smells like it's wet here all the time?
Finn: Nope. So, what's going on with you and Jesse?
Rachel: I don't know, he keeps texting me but I told him that I don't want to talk to him until I get back; no boys or distractions until we win that trophy. [leaves]
Will: Hey Finn, where the hell's Puckerman?
Finn: Umm...[glances at Puck and Lauren]
Puck: I'll have a Manhattan.
Bartender: Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?
Puck: Yeah me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.

Mercedes: Finn, out! You can't see the bride before the wedding.
Finn: It's okay, I've already seen her.
Tina: But that's bad luck!
Rachel: No, it's fine.
Finn: Rachel, we gotta go or we're going to lose our slot.
Rachel: Can we please wait a couple more minutes for Quinn, please?
Finn: It's now or never.
Rachel: [grabs her phone and texts Quinn again]
Burt: [to Hiram] If you're going to do something, do it fast.
Hiram: New plan. I'm going to fake an epileptic seizure.
LeRoy: You're not an epileptic.
Hiram: That's why I'm going to fake it.
Burt: Hurry up.
Quinn: [peeks at her cellphone which reads 2 messages & texts to Rachel "on my way"]
[A speeding truck honks at Quinn, still distracted, and collides into Quinn's car. The screen turns black.] [in promo]

Mercedes: Have you ever kissed anybody?
Kurt: Yes. If by somebody you mean the tender crook of my elbow.

Mercedes: Hi Santana! How many solos did you get in glee club last year?
Santana: A few.
Mercedes: One. Valerie. And I loved it.
Santana: I was also the lips in Rocky Horror.
Mercedes: Listen, if you and I were in Shelby's group we'd get all the solos and the duets.
Santana: And why would I care about all girl?

Mercedes: Hug me after I get the part.

Mercedes: I don't see what's wrong with getting a little church in here.
Quinn: I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I've turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.
Santana: Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard-baby?
Brittany: Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.
Finn: You got a problem with Jesus?
Puck: Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.

Mercedes: I just don't get it, why are you a bigger star than me?

Mercedes: Ladies! Vocal warm-ups can wait. I was up half the night thinking about our mash-up for the mash-off, and it came to me: Adele.
Sugar: I sound just like her.
Brittany: I love her. I think she sounds like how banana cream pie sounds when it sings.
Santana: And now that we have that decision out of the way, I can stay focused on my one-sided battle of wits with the knuckle-dragger.
Mercedes: Santana, the dodgeball thing was fun until the end, but enough.
Santana: Oh no, honey, I'm just getting started.
Mercedes: I'm the leader of this group, and I'm telling you: Lay off those guys.
Santana: I'm sorry. The leader? Who died and made you queen, Aretha?
Mercedes: I brought you guys in and I came up with the idea for our mash-up while you were wasting time trying to figure out how to make Finn Hudson cry. So, I nominate myself as president of the Troubletones; all in favor?
Mercedes: You are a star member of this group, and you need to represent.
Brittany: [singsong] Stop the violence. [nudges Santana] Come on.
Santana: [smiles] All right. From now on, I'll be so nice cotton candy will melt in my mouth.

Mercedes: Move your busted creeper ass��
Tina: ��now!
Josh: Easy girls. I'm just trying to make her normal.
Brittany: She is normal.
Quinn: It's not a choice, idiot. But even if it were you would be our last choice.
Josh: Oh, I get it. So you're all a bunch of lesbos.
Rachel: So what if we are. You don't stand a chance either way.

Mercedes: No need to warm up, Rachel. I'm about to go wrap this thing up like a Christmas present.